The Inevitability of Loss

When I first held Kyan in my arms I knew that all of the dreams and aspirations I had ever had were contained within his tiny little body. As he grows from my newborn baby to the tiny little man that he is becoming, I mourn each passing phase and say goodbye to the Kyan of each moment.

Now that I have brought two more amazing little beings into the world I am reliving the cruel dance of time and watching them change and grow. Perhaps the pain of each loss is more profound because I know that I will never again cradle a newborn that I birthed, or see the first smile of one of my children, or watch the first awareness of the world develop through the eyes of my child.

I realize this all sounds ridiculously morose, but perhaps my focus on these losses has something to do with the season...the earth around us is in quiet hibernation and the season is dark and cold. Monday brings the winter solstice and the sun will begin its ascent back into our lives as the days get longer and we creep toward the buds of springtime. This slow spiral that we experience each year as the seasons change is reflected in the growth of my children as I watch them change and know that I will never again know them as they are right now.

I have often thought about the loss my parents must feel when they think back to our childhood. My mother has told me many times how much she misses her little girl...I used to scoff at her silly sentimentality, but now I know exactly what she means. Each year we lose some part of our child while we gain a new aspect of him. I love the newly intellectual and contemplative Kyan, but I sure do miss his baby babble and his chubby cheeks.

When I look back at the pictures of the twins when they were newborns, a mere 6 months ago, I feel like I barely know those little beings who are now babbling babies with expanding personalities and preferences. I try to remember Kyan at this age and it is a bit of a blur, lost, I suppose, in the haze of exhaustion that pervades the first year with a child.

I have begun to look at older boys with awe and try to imagine myself with three teenage sons. It makes me want to cry to imagine them shutting me out and living in a teenage universe akin to that of my students. I feel frantic to figure out the key to raising a child who is somehow resistant to the apathy that infects so many of our youth.

I know I am getting ahead of myself, but it just seems to move so fast. Sometimes I barely feel old enough to buy a bottle of wine, and other days I feel so old that I can't believe retirement is so far away!
There is so much to come in this life that Ben and I have created. I long to see what my boys will become while at the same time I want to hold them in these moments of time like a butterfly in amber. I suppose my frantic photography is my attempt at crystallizing each moment of their existence so that I don't forget who they were while they become who they are going to be.

As the sun is reborn this season I will focus on the next moment with my boys and try not to dwell too long on that which is lost. As I typed that sentence the rising sun broke through the trees and blinded me as I sat here typing at the table. It is early morning and the twins are already napping after a 6 am wake up and Kyan is with his Nana and Papa. This moment of quiet contemplation is rare and despite the pulsing of tiredness behind my eyes, I am thankful for all that I have and all that is to come, and most of all I am thankful for the amazing privilege of experiencing the lives of my three boys.

Here is a tribute to my boys as they were and as they are now:

Kyan 1 week old

Kyan 6 months old

Kyan's first Christmas

Kyan's first birthday

Kyan's 2nd Christmas (18 months)

Kyan's 2nd birthday

Kyan's third Christmas (2 1/2)

Kyan's 3rd birthday

Kyan's fourth Christmas (3 1/2)

newborn twins (still in hospital)

Ronan 2 weeks old

Mason 2 weeks old

twins 1 month old

twins 2 months old

twins 3 months old

twins 4 months old

twins 5 months old

twins 5 1/2 months old (thanksgiving)

twins first Christmas (6 months)

Oh, to be an adult among adults...

So, it should say something about my social life that I spent the kids' nap time yesterday trying to figure out what to wear to Ben's work Christmas party so that I wouldn't look so "mom-ish". I can fit into a lot of pre-pregnancy stuff now, but it's not super comfy yet. I pulled out all of my "teacher" clothes and though I could wear some none of them really gave me that non-mom feeling. I finally pulled something together that made me happy and I was actually excited to get out (at dinnertime no less) of the house and have an adult break.
I found myself in an entirely new situation during our socializing, though. I am now the non-working one. I am the stay at home mom who stands and smiles while everyone else talks about work. This is totally new. I began to have these crazy visualizations of myself nodding my head like a Stepford wife and agreeing with everything my husband says. I was painfully aware of the fact that no one there knew anything about me other than the fact that I had just had twins a few months ago and that I stay home to care for them.
Finally, probably noticing my distraction while I analyzed these crazy thoughts in my head, one of the women we were chatting with asked me what I do. She was probably one of the only ones who didn't know about the twins since she doesn't actually work directly with Ben. So, I got to talk about my choice to stay home with the kids rather than teach for awhile. Then Ben brought in my writing aspirations, which he is sort of having for me at the moment, and I got to talk a bit about literature. I felt better. I felt that at least these people now know there is a brain in my head that doesn't only speak Mom.
I enjoyed feeling attractive and having adult conversations...I didn't even realize that it has probably been close to a year since I have had such an experience. Seriously. We didn't do a whole lot of "adult" socializing from my perch on the couch, and since the twins were born we've done a few very short dates which we yawned through and spent talking about how to get more sleep.
It's a crazy thing when you step back into the world outside of parenting and realize that it has been going on without you...there are people out there who truly do sleep at night and eat meals without having to ask their table mates to sit down and use a fork.
Many of the people we chatted with were also parents; there were even two Dads of twins. So, the parenting world was sort of blended with the adult wine drinking world. It was nice. I even confessed to one couple, who are also parents, that I spent nap time deciding what to wear. It felt good to be in a dress and not sweat pants, though the minute I got home I had to rip the dress off so that I could breast feed Ronan who had just woken up...my sweat pants and breast milk stained camisole were back on within 3 minutes of entering the house. I suppose there is something metaphorical about that. You can dress the Mom up, but she's still Mom underneath. I can accept this.
I promised Ben that as soon as my eyes stop throbbing with exhaustion I will consider beginning to write. As it is I can see that the quality of even my blog posts is affected by my lack of sleep. Some are witty and mildly intelligent, some are simply rants with bad grammar and ill formed sentences...I've got a long way to go before I can confidently fill more than a page or two...
Until then, cheers to my boys and Happy Holidays!

Divide and Conquer

Here's the problem with having twins: THERE ARE TWO OF THEM!
What this seems to mean is that whenever you feel you have gotten through the most recent challenge with one, the other one decides that it's his turn to bring new and complicated problems to light.
For example, they continually switch places when it comes to "good sleeper" and "bad sleeper". So, just when Ronan finally becomes a better sleeper, Mason decides he should probably wake up every 1-2 hours....Perhaps it's teething, perhaps they're growing, but all I know is that I'm not sleeping.
So, if Ronan is sleeping poorly and we decide it's because he's teething, and then he recovers does that really mean that it's Mason's turn to teeth? I mean, really?
I thought for awhile that having one doing well and the other not was better...you know, at least they're not both nightmares, but now I'm wondering. Wouldn't it be easier if they were both nightmares at the same time and then there could be periods of time where they BOTH recover and I get to sleep. Here's hoping, I guess.
I suppose it could be the holidays getting to them...I forget each year how much I love/hate this time of year...it's a lot like how women forget how awful pregnancy and child birth are after the baby comes and then they are crazy enough to do it all over again....yeah, just like that.
At least there are cute photo ops this time of year, though....

There's something almost gothic about this picture. The boys all look so serious...I love the picture, but it doesn't quite have that "Happy Holidays" feel :) This one's pretty cute, though:

Kyan went up to Santa and asked him, very politely to go outside and see his sleigh and reindeer. The clever Santa responded that they only came with him on Christmas eve...lucky for him Kyan didn't ask him how on earth he got to the party from the North Pole then.
We have a new Christmas tradition thanks to my cousin Amy, it's called the Elf on the Shelf. It's a cute little elf that hangs out up on the bookshelf and watches Kyan's behavior. He then reports back to Santa at the North Pole each night, so when Kyan gets up in the morning he is always in a different place. Kyan loves it. Last night he spent about 10+ minutes before bed unburdening himself to his elf. He told him all about his day, and why he made his good and bad choices. He told him the things he likes, dislikes, wants for Christmas, doesn't want to eat, does want to eat, etc., and he kept asking here and there, "and, how do you fly to the North Pole, I want to know?"
This one's a little too clever for his own good. I'm not sure how long this whole Santa thing will last for him....he loves the fun of it, but he seriously seems to be on to us already.
Mason and Ronan still believe, at least :)
Anyway, I had to rant for a moment as I begin the day with that familiar pounding behind my eyeballs. It seems that whenever the sleep deprivation gets out of control I begin to fantasize about single life...no children, no husband, no dog...just me and a whole lot of sleep filled nights. It feels like a nice fantasy for a few seconds until I realize that I need that husband, those children, and that crazy dog to be happy...if only the sleep filled nights could grace me with their presence....
Happy Holidays from our sleepless household to yours!

'Tis the Season

Well, the holidays are here in full force. I'm not sure how this December thing came around so quickly, but here we are. We opened the first door in the advent house today and began our countdown. We have already been to Zoo Lights, a holiday tradition around here:

It seems like the holidays become more important each year as Kyan becomes more aware of what is happening. I am fighting the shopper in me to stay focused on teaching Kyan that less is more. A few GREAT gifts are better than a bunch of things that he will only look at for a few days and then toss aside.

I am only getting the twins one present each since they will have no idea what is going on, and we are pretty tight on money this year since I am no longer working. So they will each get a big present that they will grow into. Kyan has a long Christmas list that will probably be mostly honored between us, Grandma & Papa, and Nana & Papa. I just hope he begins to understand the spirit of giving this year, as well as the spirit of receiving

The twins had their first meal at Thanksgiving:

We started with sweet potatoes and have since had some rice cereal, a bit of banana, and some pumpkin. I have already made and frozen a batch of sweet potato and a batch of butternut squash. Mason is LOVING food and eating like an 8 month old:

Ronan on the other hand isn't quite getting the hang of it. I don't think he is quite ready, honestly. I am still giving him tastes when I feed Mason, but I'm not pushing it. He gags and spits it out most of the time, and just doesn't seem to physically achieve swallowing very well. He does, on the other hand, think he wants the food and fusses until you give him a bite.

Our sleep issues are far from resolved, but I think we're in pretty good shape. I found myself perusing sleep training books again last night on Amazon and reading parent reviews. I put a couple on hold a the library, but it seems that none of them really take into account the breastfeeding family. There is one, The No Cry Sleep Solution, that is endorsed by the La Leche League, that could be worth the time, but it's hard to say. I'm going to check it out and see if there's some way to fix whatever I'm doing wrong. I'm realizing that getting the babies to sleep 12 hours is not my goal, but maybe getting 6-7 hours at a time would be fabulous!

Our newest challenge in the household is dinner time. We have been "climbing the ladder" with a pretty consistent response pertaining to Kyan's behavior, and we are coming close to fixing the "imbalance of family power" (referenced in the aforementioned book, Beyond Time Out: From Chaos to Calm). The problem is that the only power he has been able to hang on to is related to food. I have an issue with food. I somehow equate being a good mother with seeing my children eat well. It's as if, so long as he is full of good healthy food, my boy will be able to withstand anything and I can rest easy. The reality, however, is that I cannot force Kyan to eat. Kyan knows this. Therefore he actively engages in power struggles over food on a regular basis, and I engage back. It is now the only only time I engage in power struggles since I have fixed my parenting responses in all other areas. SO, dinner time sucks.

I have accepted that the solution, also offered in the above mentioned book, is to let go of being the food police and allow him to go hungry if necessary. I cannot begin to tell you how hard that is for me. So, after rereading the chapter on eating and discussing it thoroughly with Ben, we came up with a plan.
Kyan no longer has any access to television time except as a reward. We were using it as a punishment, or something to "take away", but we decided to flip it and make it a positive thing instead. So, every time Kyan has a successful dinner time experience, which includes being polite, staying in his seat, eating with utensils, and eating well, he will get 1/2 an hour of television time.

In addition to that, he will only get two warnings about his behavior at the table (which is part of climbing the ladder) and then will have to leave the table and finish his dinner when Ben and I get up from the table. That is only for the first two times it happens. After that we should be able to have him leave the table briefly and regroup in his room and then return and try again.

In preparation for this shift in protocol I spent a lot of time prepping Kyan and even prepared one of his favorite meals last night (hamburger and kale). While I was explaining what would happen he stopped me and said, "Well, Mama, what exactly does being polite mean?" I was so impressed by his well worded question that I stopped cooking dinner and sat down at the table with him to explain. 

We started dinner without Daddy because Ben was late getting home, and it all went really well. When Ben got home Kyan even explained to him what it looks like to be "polite" at the dinner table. There had to be a warning when he was dealing with the transition of Daddy's arrival, but overall he had a very successful dinner and earned his 1/2 hour of TV. He also ate every bite of his hamburger and all of his kale (he only ate one fry, but that's fine with me, I'll take kale over fries any day!)

I think I might be getting better at this whole parenting thing now that it's not a mad dash to get everything done in between work and daycare. I am able to think things out more thoroughly, research solutions, discuss them with Ben, and put them into action. When I was working I felt like I could barely keep my head above water, let alone get creative and active about our problems. It's a nice feeling.

Sometimes when I am doing the tenth load of laundry for the week, or cooking dinner again, or changing yet another poopy diaper, I have a moment where I imagine myself (and my $50,000 education) back in the classroom where there are no poopy diapers or dirty laundry, but usually I am quickly catapulted back into my mama reality by the complaints of an imaginary teenage student, or the arm farts coming from the back of my imaginary classroom. I may be paying student loans every month so that I can change diapers, but there is no place I would rather be than on this journey with my beautiful children.

Yes, I am tired, but....

I've been thinking a lot about the choices I am making in regards to my babies. I tried very hard from the beginning to put them on a "schedule" and keep them synchronized because I was listening to all of the twin moms and literature that said that this was the way to do it. It worked at first, it really did. It was great to have them scheduled right away and we got a lot more sleep than I think we would have for the first couple of months. This whole time, however, the babies slept next to me in a co-sleeper. I could reach my hand out and soothe them whenever they needed it. I could check their breathing and drift back to sleep knowing they were safe.
It was right around the four and a half month mark, however, that the boys decided that my schedule wasn't working for them. Coincidentally, that is when they were no longer able to share the co-sleeper. Mason still spent some time there, but mostly they were in their crib. That's when I stopped getting much sleep, began to feel crazy, and would lie awake in between feeding sessions stressing about what I should be doing to fix  "the problem". Should I let them cry it out? Should I refuse feedings at night? Should I bring them into bed with me?
Finally one night I had had enough. I began to feed them when they wanted to be fed. I brought them into bed when I did so that I could lie down and even drift off to sleep. I stopped tandem feeding them at night because the process of setting up for the feeding was taking as much time as the feeding. This is how I did it with Kyan, but for some reason I thought I had to do it differently with the twins. I thought I would beat the system and have them sleeping through the night as soon as possible, but what was keeping me awake at night was the fact that that desire was about me, not about them.
I know that there have been numerous studies done on co-sleeping and attachment parenting, and most of them show that the babies are happier, better rested, and calmer. It doesn't talk as much about the mamas, but why should it?

http://mothering.com/breastfeeding/breastfeeding-bedsharing-still-useful-and-important-after-all-these-years
http://mothering.com/parenting/crying-for-comfort
http://mothering.com/parenting/science-mother-love-science-catching-mothers-wisdom (especially note references: since all of these articles are from one source and I, as a teacher, know that you can't count only on one sources I refer you to the reference articles and books in this particular article)

I 'm not trying to say that we mamas are not important and should simply martyr our well being for the good of our children, but when I stop and look at the situation the reality is that this time of little sleep is very short lived. I'm not having any more children, so in a year I will be looking back on my nighttime cuddles with my boys and probably shedding a tear or two that my time for that is over. And, when it comes right down to it, I am far better off now than I was during those two weeks where I was fighting it and trying to let them cry it out or ignoring their demand to feed.
The shift happened when I asked myself why I was lying awake night after night. Once I answered that question I knew how to solve my problem. I had to let it be about them and not about me.
So, people ask me all the time, "Do they sleep through the night." It's the typical baby question around this age. I smile and shake my head, "Oh no, not even close." They always looks at me with a startled smile, not sure why I am smiling or being so flippant about such a serious matter. It's almost as if we have deemed this one accomplishment the standard measure of a good mother or a good baby, for that matter.
My babies are happy; They are confident and at ease and they are healthy. They are on the small side, and so was Kyan, so why on earth should I be denying them milk because it is not "time" for them to eat again? I could easily sit up in the rocking chair and feed them one at a time at night, in fact I do that for their first feeding, but bringing them to bed is more about me and more about balance.
I don't want to have to hold myself to any one particular parenting movement or credo. My motto as a parent has evolved to the simple phrase, "Walk the Line". I've said it before and I'll say it again: The answer does not exist. There is no one theory or practice that is magical and all powerful. I must do what works for me and for my children and for my family; I must do what feels right deep down in my intuitive core. If that means that I'm a bit tired for awhile, then so be it. Yes, I have a baby (one or the other) next to me all night long. There are worse things. I am tired, but when I look at the three amazing little beings that Ben and I have created I am blissful. 

An Answer

by Catherine Newman

Yes, I guess I am tired
if you mean could I use a nap
or a meal
or a minute alone. Of course.
But I flush with pleasure
to remember the nighttime—
eyes closed,
warm hands roaming my ribs,
the milky slow-dance of nursing.
He is the most passionate person I have ever shared a bed with.
Isn’t falling in love always like this?
The nights are long and wakeful
and the days are a thrilling blur.
"Tired" is not the first word that comes to mind.

Taking One for the Team

Ah, well....we've entered a new phase that is going to be very hard on poor Ben. The babies need a whole lot of consistency, a pretty regular nap schedule at home, and a routine they can count on. Ben loves to do things on a whim: of course we should all drive to Vancouver to get cold medicine at nap time; let's go to the beach in the rain and you and the kids hang in the van while I surf; just go to the museum, Kyan needs to do something, the twins don't need to nap this morning. 
While I get that none of these are entirely outlandish or crazy, the reality is that we have TWO babies who are trying to get settled into a comfortable routine and the crazy come as you will go as you want type mentality just won't work for us right now. Do I really want to stay home all day to make sure the twins have naps? nope. Do I, however, want to get some sleep at night and have happy babies during the day? yup.
So begins the conundrum. Bottom line: it's not really about me right now. Oh...okay.

So, I sit here typing this while all three kids sleep and Ben drives to Vancouver to get his darned cold medicine...I won't mention the fact that I've had the cold for 2 weeks but never drove to Washington to get cold medicine...oh wait, maybe I will mention that.
Meanwhile I am wishing I could run the two errands I was hoping to do without kids today...sigh. Ah, I suppose I'll do things by myself in about 5-10 years...at least I have really cute kids who are completely worth my undivided attention!

This morning Mason rolled over onto his belly and scooted over to Ronan who was on his back nearby. Mason was grabbing at Ronan and Ronan was touching Mason's face.

Eventually the incredibly cute exchange resulted in Mason crying because Ronan grabbed the inside of his cheek and pulled.

Ronan has absolutely no clue how to be gentle. He has arms that move almost entirely of their own accord. They slap, they hit, they pinch, they scratch, and he seems to be uninvolved. (In fact, he currently has two long scratches across his nose, each from a different day, that he seems to have inflicted on himself.) His voice and cry are also the least gentle things in the world. I swear his cry is like nails on a chalkboard. It gets under ones skin, to say the least. When he talks he squeals, which is quite cute most of the time, but after awhile, and especially if there's a little bit of fussiness inserted, it gets to be a bit much. But, that boy laughs and smiles and plays with the goofiest little spirit. He's quite a package!

Mason, on the other hand, is so gentle and sweet in everything he does. He will reach out and stroke my face with his hands. And, when he talks it's more like soft cooing and gurgling. His laugh is also mostly silent, but he is genuinely delighted.

He's a hard child to hold though...he is quite stiff and doesn't ever seem to be comfortable in the normal "holding" positions. Whereas Ronan molds into your body like a little monkey and cuddles his head into your shoulder. It's just crazy how different they are. Gosh I love them.... :)

the twin conspiracy

So, I'm pretty sure that all of the seemingly innocent babble coming from my sweet little boys is actually a conversation between them that is resulting in a conspiracy. I believe it goes something like this:

Ronan: Hey, bro, I'm getting pretty tired with all of these short naps I've been taking lately, so I'm going to take longer naps for the next couple of days. Would you mind waking up after about 30-40 minutes so that Mama doesn't get bored. 


Mason: Sure! I'll just smile really big as soon as she comes in and she'll be so happy to see me. 


Ronan: yeah, that definitely works...oh, and if she tries to give you your paci and leaves make sure to keep talking as loudly as you can so that she worries about you waking me up...that's how you get her to give in and pick you up.


Mason: Okay, bro, have a good nap!


Seriously. I'm pretty sure they are conspiring against me. Just when I think I know the order of things they switch it up. They have been doing this from the very beginning. They have to be talking about it and planning it. I won't let them break me. I will be strong. I will keep these crazy little boys in check! If it's the last thing I ever do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Climbing the Ladder

So, it's been an interesting few weeks here in our household...We have started "climbing the ladder", which refers to a parenting book we found called, "Beyond Time Out: From Chaos to Calm". It talks a lot about the power struggle between parents and their children and how, in many cases, the children in the house have the balance of power. As I read this book I couldn't believe that I had let it get to this point. I was sure I knew better.

It's not like I have a horrible kid or anything, Kyan is wonderful, but he definitely has control in our house when I really sit and analyze it. The author of the book calls it an "imbalance of family power".
So reading this book was like reading a fiction book and waiting for the climax. I kept reading about why and what and who and when, but was waiting and waiting for the solution, and then it came. The coolest thing is that I think it might work. The hardest thing is that it's entirely up to us to make it work and making it work means completely adjusting the way we parent. We're trying, but old habits are hard to break! Do you know how hard it is to NOT yell at a kid as he straddles his five month brother on the floor bouncing up and down? Yeah, it's a challenge that I haven't completely achieved yet.

However, I think we are getting some of our power back...maybe in time to balance the family out! Now we just have to get dinner under control. Kyan completely runs our family dinner. He jumps around in his chair, eats with his hands, plays with his food, and takes about 30-40 minutes to actually eat. I remember when keeping him in his chair was the problem, but we conquered that beast, so I suppose we can conquer this one. There is a chapter in the book about this, but my problem is that I am a bit over obsessed with whether or not Kyan eats. I have seen a direct and unavoidable link between his behavior and the amount of food, specifically protein, that he eats, so I am really obsessed with making sure he has what he needs. The book wants me to stop making an issue out of it and if he doesn't eat he doesn't eat. I am not sure I can do that, but at this point I am willing to try.

The twins are posing their own challenges...I think Ronan is the power broker in that pair! It's crazy how they keep switching roles. One week Ronan is our power sleeper and the next week he's our nightmare! Right now he's our nightmare. He wakes up every 2-3 hours to eat, which inevitably wakes Mason up because, as I've mentioned before, Ronan is a screamer. I've stopped tandem nursing at night altogether and I think this is for the better. I was so tired of sitting up and getting all of the pillows together, gathering the babies, placing them, feeding them and then disassembling it all. I think if I had to keep doing that I would stop nursing sooner and I didn't want that. So, now I feed them individually. Sometimes in the rocker in their room and more often in bed while I doze off. This pretty much means that I have a baby attached to my breast through about 1/2-3/4 of the night. Oh well.

Ronan's new thing is that he wakes up wide eyed and won't go back to sleep. Sometimes it's at 5 am, but last night it was at 1:30 am. I fed him, laid him back down, and got Mason up to feed him. When I came back in with Mason, Ronan was still awake and making noises. I changed them both and put them back down. Ronan carried on, not crying but fussing, for a good 45 minutes to an hour after that. Ben was on my side initially, saying that if I keep going in and rocking him or feeding him back to sleep he will never learn to soothe himself. Then around 2:45 when I gave in and did just that, which took about a total of 5 minutes, Ben yelled at me that he couldn't believe it was that easy and I didn't do it an hour ago. I suppose sleep deprivation makes a person crazy because he was seriously saying exactly the opposite moments before that!

So, I carry on without sleep. I am beginning to think of sleep as a luxury not afforded to twin mothers. I'm pretty sure that my twin mom friends out there who claim their babies sleep through the night are just making it up!

And then there are naps...oh my the naps. Mason has just started taking three normal length (60-90 minutes) naps. Ronan on the other hand seems incapable of napping longer than 30-40 minutes. As a consequence he is always tired...seriously. He is ready for the next nap when he wakes up from the previous one. He isn't super fussy, but he's a bit whiny and his eyes are so tired! I can't let him cry it out in there, even if I wanted to, because then Mason wakes up. Mason is a light sleeper and I've figured out the key to his long naps is just to get Ronan out of there as soon as he begins to squawk.

Ah well, if it isn't one thing it's another. I suppose I've learned that by now. The ladder is a long, long road to....well, to what I'm not sure. Peace? Harmony? Sleep? who really knows...I don't exactly expect any of those things in my immediate future (or not so immediate future for that matter), I mean, I've got three boys! Just because we've yet to take a trip to the emergency room with any of them (even Kyan in 3 1/2 years), KNOCK ON WOOD, doesn't mean there isn't quite a bit of adventure in our future! So for now I suppose I will take it as it comes and keep on climbing! It's totally worth the ride!

My how they've grown!

My boys are 5 months old today. It astounds me how fast these last five months have flown by; especially in comparison to my ten year long pregnancy! I've been reminiscing a lot about Kyan at this age and about the pregnancy with the twins. Check out what I looked like on the day of the twins' birth with my hair braided in preparation for labor (38 weeks exactly):

The strangest thing about the size of my body was my nose. Seriously. My nose grew to amazing proportions. The nurse in the hospital said that it was just water retention. In my nose? I tried to explain to Ben how, even though I knew I was huge, I didn't feel that different in my face until I looked at the pictures in retrospect. Now I see it looks like someone took a bicycle pump and pumped air into my face!

Five months ago today I met these amazing little boys who have completed our family! The ride was a hard one, but despite the struggle it was all worth it in the end. Of course I knew it would be, but I have to say that I had more than a few instances where I was ready to throw in the towel no matter what the consequences. The human body has amazing capacity, that's all I can say!

Here are my pumpkins just hours after being born. I was so wired and in love that I didn't sleep for about 48 hours. I was also astounded that my belly was still so big :)

When we took the twins home I had such a distinctly different experience than I remembered from bringing Kyan home from the hospital. When we drove home with Kyan I sat in the back seat clutching his hands and stroking his face while I feverishly scanned the passing cars and dared them to come anywhere near my precious little bundle. Now, granted, we had an hour long drive on Hawaiian freeways which could undo a person on a good day, compared to the five minute drive on side roads to get the twins home, but still my anxiety levels were on two different ends of the spectrum. I do remember thinking both times: "I can't believe they just let us walk out of the hospital with this (these) baby(ies). What if we don't know what to do once we get home?" Of course we did know what to do. Thank goodness!

Our next challenge was saving the twins from the infinite love of their big brother (a challenge we still face constantly!).

I think Kyan wants to eat the twins up as much as I do, only in 3 year old land that means climbing on them and trying to engulf them with his hugs and kisses. YIKES! Somehow they have survived this love and are thriving, though. They've gone from our swaddled little beans...:

to our big strong boys:

I am really looking forward to, and terrified by the idea of, the boys crawling and walking and talking. I know things will get a lot more challenging when this all starts, but I can't wait to hear what they have to say and see how they experience life.

We've all come a long way and I feel like the countdown is on...in a mere five years all three of my boys will enter school...in just ten years I will have a teenage boy...in fifteen years I will have an eighteen year old boy...and three years later I may have an empty nest (notice I say "may have", I'm not counting my chickens, yet :)

I just want to enjoy them and love them and be the best Mama that I can be. I never thought that I would have the opportunity to stay home and care for my children without working, so I am going to enjoy these moments while they last! Here's to my boys and all of the joy they bring to my life!

my boys plus Quinn :)

Abundance

So, I haven't been as diligent about this blog as I expected, but I think about it a lot :)
In reference to the last post I would like to report that I have ceased any semblance of sleep training or cry it out. I have even ceased tandem feeding the babies at night. I have reverted to the same techniques I use with Kyan, only times two. Which means that when the babies cry I get them up and bring them to bed with me and feed them (one at a time). When one finishes, if I am still awake, I will return him to his crib. This often means that I have a baby with me in bed more than half the night. The strange thing is that I am actually getting more sleep. I'm not sure how that is and I'm not sure exactly whether or not this method is better, but for now it seems to be. Moving on....
Today I was thinking about Love, Mother Love, to be specific. Every time I pick up one of my boys I kiss, snuggle, and caress him. Every time I get Kyan near I do the same. I have no fear that my boys have any questions about how much they are loved. How on earth could I not love them?
In fact, I love them so much that I often want to eat them. Literally. I have had this conversation with my mother and with many other mothers and it sounds strange every time, yet we all understood and shared this common bond over the simple fact that we actually want to eat our children. They are so delicious and sweet that we want to consume them. It's a really weird thing to say, but a completely logical feeling.
Think about it: we carried these beautiful little beings inside of us for nine long months, then one day they were ripped from out of our body, the cord was severed, and they were on their own. As each month goes by they become more and more independent. It's easy to feel needed by them when they are infants, and I still feel that the twins are attached to me in some tangible way (probably boob to mouth attachment), but then I look at Kyan and I know that it is only a matter of time before the twins will be independent, too.
Don't get me wrong, Kyan needs me, but not like he used to. He now goes into his room in the morning, opens his drawers, chooses his clothing, and dresses himself. That kills me. I love it, but I hate it. It means that he is taking irreversible steps toward being his own independent little human being. One who doesn't need his Mommy anymore.
So, the desire to consume my children is a natural impulse. If I can get them back inside of me then they will always need me...or something like that.
The thing is that I am sure there are mothers with adopted children who also feel the need to consume their children, so I guess the need is really just Love in abundance.
My Mom and I discussed this at length while she was staying with me during my pregnancy with the twins. We wondered if men feel the need to eat their children, too. So, we asked Ben. He didn't really know how to respond, but finally answered that, no, he was pretty sure he had never had the impulse to consume the children. But, not too long after that we were talking about something cute Kyan did as we were going to bed and he told me he might actually have felt the impulse to eat Kyan. I laughed and concluded that this impulse is indeed just overwhelming Love.
I am lucky. Ben is lucky. Our children are lucky....to have such an abundance of love...

To Cry or Not To Cry

I originally began this blog as a place to think, vent, and laugh about the craziness that is my life. The problem has been that I am an English teacher with two degrees who is dying for some intellectual stimulation, so I have treated each blog post like a mini assignment. I keep putting the writing off because I don't have time to do it as well as I would like, meanwhile there are blog posts running around in my head all the time and I feel like I'm talking to myself. So, I am going to release my need to publish perfect article style posts and just write.

I am exhausted. The kind of tired that sits behind your eyes and keeps you from pretending that you got enough sleep last night. The babies have been fairly difficult at night, which is in stark contrast to their sweet and calm demeanor during the day. I have been reading book after book and mothering chat after chat trying to figure out what I can do to fix it. Nothing feels quite right.

Last night I let them cry. I don't believe in "cry it out", but I was reaching a level of exhaustion and frustration that I had never felt before. In the nights previous I would get up, calm one, go back to bed, and the other one would cry. Then I would get up, calm that one, go back to bed, and the first one would be up again. I began to think that I was a part of the problem.

It's true, I do pretty much respond to their first cry. I did with Kyan, too. They are just so new and I want them to know that they are safe. The problem is that I think I have created babies that actually KNOW that if they make a peep, Mommy will come running. So, I tried it out. The cry it out thing. I hated it. I couldn't stay in bed while I did it so I sat out in the dining room with my "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Twins" book and a cup of tea and tried to read to distract myself, and to convince myself that I was doing the right thing.

Mason doesn't so much cry as he fusses, so that's not really a big deal. I can handle long periods of that. The problem is Ronan. He screams, and I mean SCREAMS. His cry is a mirror shattering, breathtaking shriek. It sounds like he is in pain. The real problem is that if I go in to his room and try to soothe him, without picking him up, it gets much worse. So, I either had to be all in or all out.

The desire to go in and hold him was excruciating, and eventually I was crying, too. Now, I know at this point many of you are thinking, "so just go in and hold him!" Trust me, I agree. The thing is that the desire to sleep for more than two consecutive hours a night is also overwhelming me. So is the fact that I keep experiencing bouts of depression that I feel are certainly brought on by exhaustion. I am beginning to feel that something must be done so that we can ALL stay healthy and happy. (By the way, where is the "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Mommy" book? Maybe I can write it when this is all over!)

So eventually we were a few minutes past the time limit that I had set for this excruciating experiment, but Ronan was periodically lapsing into silence punctuated now and then by high pitched shrieks, so I felt that the end was near. (In case you're wondering it had been about 25 minutes since they had begun to cry and I had gone in once to check on them which had made Ronan's crying increase by about 10 fold.) Just as Ronan began to give in, Mason, who had been quiet since I had gone in and given them their pacifiers about half way through the 25 minutes, started to fuss. Seriously? This is the reality of twindom. Just when you start to breathe a sigh of relief that you have finally cleaned up the huge blow out, or gotten the baby to sleep, etc., you look over and there's another one waiting for you to repeat your work.

So, Ronan's short shrieks increase a bit, you know, to harmonize with his brother's fussing, but eventually cease. At which point Mason decides that it is entirely too quiet and increases his lamentations. I sigh. I know that, unlike Ronan, if I go in and give Mason his pacifier he will fall back to sleep quickly, BUT he will probably wake up within the hour and want the same treatment. And, I can't very well let Ronan cry for 25-30 minutes and not test it with Mason, too. So, I wait. His fussing only lasts about 10 minutes. Finally, I go to bed. It is about 11:15. Ben has already gotten up to tell me that I have "Momsomnia", a condition we read about in "The Edge", a portion of the Oregonian, described as "when a sleep-deprived mom can't sleep despite the fact that her children are sleeping, because of either worries that said children will awaken at any moment, a desperate need for time to herself or a sudden desire to complete random household tasks."

It is true. I have experienced all three. This time, however, before the twins actually woke up (at about 10 pm) I had been lying there for about an hour unable to sleep because I had argued with Ben about whether or not to let them cry it out and who should be getting up with them each time, and because I was just waiting for them to wake up. It only made sense that they woke up at 10. The night before it was 11, and the night before it was 12, so they are waking up an hour earlier each night. Fabulous. They do not need to eat at this time. As newborns they were sleeping from 8 until about 2 or 3 each night by the age of 5 weeks. I am willing to accept that they are having a growth spurt, but I am not willing to feed them every 2-3 hours at night, because I truly do not think they need it, they just want it.

So, I would love to report that my first "cry it out" experience resulted in a blissful full night of sleep, which most of the books promise will follow the "cry it out" session, but alas, I cannot. They woke up at 2 am. While this time would have been an acceptable eating time, it meant that I got just over 2 consecutive hours of sleep before feeding them. So I fed them. They went back to sleep with no problems (after Ben changed Ronan's blow out and I changed Mason's virtually dry diaper). At 4:30 am (less than 2 consecutive hours later) Mason woke up and wanted his pacifier. I gave it to him and was drifting back into sleep when his fusses started again. My biggest fear was that he would wake Ronan, whose ear piercing shrieks would wake Kyan, who has taken to rising between 5 and 5:30 am lately. So, I ran to Mason, gathered his swaddled little body up and took him into my room to sleep in the co-sleeper. He continued to fuss a bit, whereupon I reinserted his pacifier, he would calm, then fuss, reinsert pacifier, calm, fuss, pacifier...you get the picture. This went on until I decided to feed him at 5:30. He ate and slept peacefully next to me while I finally drifted off again...almost. Then Kyan yelled out, "MAMA!", and Ronan began to fuss in his crib. Sigh.

Ben retrieved Ronan, I put Mason back in the co-sleeper and fed Ronan lying down in bed with my back to Mason. I had to repeatedly stretch my arm over my back to reinsert Mason's pacifier while I was still feeding Ronan. Now usually this would all take place with Kyan squirming and talking on Ben's side of the bed while we both shushed him so that Mason would stay asleep and Ronan would not be too distracted to eat. The one shining grace on this morning was our new "sleep trainer" clock. I purchased it to attempt to keep Kyan in his bed until a respectable hour. This was our first morning with said clock. Kyan initially yelled out for me because he didn't understand why it wasn't glowing green, which is his signal that he can get up out of bed. Ben explained the process to him and he proceeded to actually stay in his bed waiting for the green glow. He made it a half an hour, amazingly, and got up 2 minutes before the light would have come on. We called it success anyway.

So now I sit here while the babies take their first nap, sipping on my tiny cup of coffee, which has done nothing at all to ease the tired pulse behind my eyes, and wonder what my experiment has yielded. From what I can tell it has only given me a feeling of guilt and tired eyes. I couldn't stop kissing Ronan this morning, who smiled and laughed at me despite his bout of shrieking last night. If I follow the book I have to let them cry again tonight. It should be a shorter session tonight, even shorter tomorrow, until they don't cry at all. I'm not sure if I trust this, but I am sure that I am desperate.
It sure is hard to walk this parenting line...especially when it is blurred by exhausted eyes...
Oh well, at least they're irresistibly adorable!

Where Has the Time Gone?

So, I must admit that the initial excitement about blogging seems to have been buried somewhere underneath the piles of dirty cloth diapers and the never ending sound of the dryer...not to mention the plethora of play dates I have been not only attending, but hosting!

4 sets of twins and 3 siblings!

I am loving the life of a stay at home Mom, and so far I'm not really missing work. It feels so good to keep control of my house and to be there for my children. I am so thankful that I have this opportunity and I plan on making the most of it!
The problem seems to be that I am lamenting the years with Kyan where I was at work. I am watching him grow into this amazing little man and realizing that I let go of many of my early edicts with him, mostly because it was such a challenge just to survive being a working mom, that I had no more energy to fight the world in his defense.
I am mostly referring to the same issues that I talked about in the last blog: consumerism, media, etc.. The superhero craze is so rampant at our house that I feel like I am going to go insane! I remember the early days of his life, and even my pregnancy with him, when I was so sure that I would be able to single handedly fight off the ills of the world that would dare to infect the innocence of my little boy. Since then I feel like it has been a slow downward spiral into the realities of our media driven society, and I have no idea how to stop it!
This is mostly coming from the fact that we visited with a neighbor yesterday, one whom we met a long time ago but have never spent time with. She has a son the same age as Kyan, so it is a bit sad that we've never connected before now. Her house was an immaculately remodeled version of ours (all the houses in this neighborhood have a similar 50's style with various add ons and additions), and her parenting style seemed to be an exact replica of what I imagined mine would be.
Her son only had wooden toys and little to no media inspired gadgets. I tried to digest it all without getting upset, but by the time we got home I felt frustrated with Kyan (in his new Spiderman shirt from Grandma) who was telling me that he was a superhero and I was poopy therefore he did not need to eat his dinner. I found myself sinking deeper into this funk. I looked around my own house, which earlier that day I had felt great pride in when I had it all clean and ready for our big twin play date, and felt inadequate.
I kept asking myself where I had gone wrong. Where did that vision I had of Kyan's minimalist upbringing get lost? The best answer I could come up with was that it had been lost somewhere in the insane rat race of working motherhood. Somehow my survival mode parenting style during the first 3 years of Kyan's life did not quite meet my own expectations.
Now, I want to stop here and say that I know that I am a good mother. I know that I have done well with Kyan in MANY ways, and I am not looking for reassurance in that area. I do know. I swear. I also know that I have held on to many of my compunctions and I have carried them into the parenting of Mason and Ronan already. Together Ben and I have done a darn good job with Kyan. Really we have. And, I know we will do a good job with the twins. Now if only I could somehow rid my life of super heroes, Buzz Lightyear, and Transformers, I would feel a lot better.
So, then there's the issue of the twins. They are growing so darn fast! I was sure they weren't big enough for the Bumbo chairs until yesterday when I plopped them in, because they were out for our twin play date, and low and behold they were both fine!

This was a startling reminder of how fast they are growing! Mason has already rolled over for goodness' sake!

 

So, the question is, how am I going to parent these growing boys alongside my big boy, now that I am home with them all the time and have the time to accomplish more of my original goals? The reality is that I can't just eliminate the media from Kyan's life because it is already part of his consciousness. I have GREATLY limited his television time in the last few weeks, and I am very happy with that, but the superhero craze was never associated with television, it was learned from other kids at daycare and school. 

This is the dawning reality: the world that he lives in is going to affect him no matter how hard I fight it! Which, I think, is why I let go of so much over the past 3 years. I used to fight the grandparents over battery operated toys. My dad will remember the first argument over a big light up lie under baby toy for Kyan. I was thankful for his gift, but frustrated with the lights and sounds that I didn't really want to expose Kyan to yet. I wanted simpler things for him, but I felt so badly about dissing my dad's gift that I gave in. And, that was just the first of many. In fact, now that the twins are playing more I've thought about that toy, which is up in our storage, and wondered if I should get it out for them, but I haven't. 

If you happen to be waiting for the part of this post where I have an AHA! moment and answer all of my own questions, you'll be waiting a long time. I think the answers to these questions are going to come over time. I think I am going to have to try to redevelop my image of myself as a parent. I have the time now; in fact, it is my job. I always give my all to a challenge, so I know I will figure this out. I have to tell myself that 3 years old isn't so old that change can't occur, but at the same time I can't deny Kyan those things that interest him at this stage in the game just to meet my parenting ideal. Somehow, I will figure out how exactly to walk this line. I just hope I can maintain my balance while juggling three little boys and all of their charms!

Walking the Line

I have had several blog posts floating around in my head for the past few days, but have had a hard time finding the time to sit and write. As it is I am counting down the minutes until I have to go and pick Kyan up from school and wondering if there is shower time somewhere in there.

I have been thinking a lot about simplicity and our society's tendency to be anything but simple.
This past weekend we went to a wonderful little birthday party for a sweet little 2 year old and an adorable 4 year old. It reminded me a lot of the type of parties that I have thrown so far for Kyan. The Mama did a wonderful job, baking 75 cupcakes, decorating with two themes, preparing a bbq for many adults, and staying calm and serene during the entire party. The kids seemed to have a fabulous time. I know Kyan loved the party, but I have to say the rest of that day, before and after the party, was a bit of a nightmare.

The entire day was spent in anticipation of the party: we talked about it from the time Kyan woke up, we had a lazy morning getting everyone together, and we finally left the house for haircut and shopping. This is where things went downhill. Kyan's behavior at home that morning was marginal at best, but we chalked it up to excitement about the party.

Once we had the hair cut taken care of we headed to Fred Meyer for birthday present shopping. I had a naive sense that this would be a great lesson in giving: Kyan would graciously search for a present to give to one of his closest buddies, we would wrap it together, and he would present it to his buddy with a huge smile. Well...not quite.

First of all, I think that children should be banned from shopping with their parents. I love to shop and I am fairly certain that I perpetuate the consumerist nightmare that I want to protect my children from, but something has got to give!

Stores are virtually booby trapped to induce 3 year old temper tantrums. SERIOUSLY! From the Halloween stuff that is gracing the shelves a good 2 months early to the candy in the check out lines, and don't even get me started on the toy section.
I will say that I suggested we go to Powell's bookstore to look for something less plasticy and commercialized, but Ben and Kyan outvoted me. Next time I may overthrow the democracy.

We did end up with two nice gifts that I picked out because Kyan was only interested in the most destructive of the transformers, the most hyped up of the superheros, and the loudest of the roaring dinosaurs, and he had totally forgotten that the gift wasn't for him. (I know, Dad, boys will be boys, but come on!)

On the way to checkout we had a fit over leaving all of the destructive plastic nightmares behind and I, in my infinite wisdom, distracted him by showing him the Halloween costumes. STRIKE ONE for Mama.

Once he saw the manifestation of his Halloween dreams right in front of him (he's been perusing Halloween costume catalogs with a ferocity that is alarming and a commitment that is somewhat admirable) there was no leaving that store without a Batman costume in tow.

I figured I had been planning on ordering him one anyway, so why not, right?
As a side note, I would be choosing another cuddly animal for Kyan this year if the choice was still mine (year one: ladybug, year two: river otter, year three: giraffe), but I am coming to terms with the fact that I cannot control all of Kyan's choices anymore. I figure he deserves to have his own experience and preferences, right?

The problem is, I thought that I could give him a foundation that would lead him to better choices, but I've realized that I am up against the entire conglomerate of media fixated three year olds and their seizure inducing, cartoon pushing adult counterparts.
I think I might be rambling, but like I said this has been rolling around in my head for days.
So, what's a Mama to do?
I want to walk the line.

Sure there is a part of me who wants desperately to be the militant natural earth mother who does not even allow my child to play with dolls that have faces (insert my respect for Waldorf education here, despite my perplexity at the oddness of dolls without faces), and, to be honest, I think that I half planned/expected myself to be that mother. However, what I have come to realize in my short time as a Mama is that my son has a right to experience and enjoy the world he lives in. The unfortunate part of that is that I don't really like a lot of that world, but I live in it, too.

The media is everywhere; I cannot avoid that, and I am roped in by it, as well.
I want my son to be "above" the consumer mentality, yet I was so excited by Old Navy's new owl print baby line that I could barely contain myself.
I've realized that I don't live my life entirely on one side of the line or the other, so why should I expect my children to do so?
So, to make a long story short, I bought the Batman costume.

Immediately upon leaving the store the temper tantrum ensued. He needed to put the costume on RIGHT NOW! Hold it just a minute buster, this $23 piece of felt is supposed to be your costume for Halloween, which is a good 6 weeks away, and I am quite sure that it will barely survive the trick or treating activity, let alone 6 weeks of superhero play!

Commence temper tantrum, add heat and sun, note that it is already 45 minutes past nap time...You get the picture.

So, despite atrocious behavior during the entire ride home, we give in and put the costume on him before his nap. Why? you might ask. God only knows. I just think the screaming was getting to us and addling our minds.

After squeezing him into the size 2-4 costume (should be age based, right?), packing him off to bed, and breathing a sigh of relief (before beginning the twins' diaper changing and mass feeding sessions), we take a look at the packaging from the costume and discover that it is meant for a 1-2 year old. Okay, then.
So, I just spent $23 on the cheapest piece of felt with stuck on velcro circles I have ever seen, and now I have to pry it off of my child's sweaty body and attempt to explain why we are taking it back to the store. I see more tantrums in our future.

Suffice to say, the costume is sitting on the counter waiting to be returned, Kyan has continued his relentless pursuit of the perfect superhero costume by paging through his "superhero books" (costume catalogs), and I am already dreading attempting to "walk the line" through the growth of three boys in a media saturated, gender pushing, consumer driven society. I suppose I'll have to let you know how it turns out.