I am exhausted. The kind of tired that sits behind your eyes and keeps you from pretending that you got enough sleep last night. The babies have been fairly difficult at night, which is in stark contrast to their sweet and calm demeanor during the day. I have been reading book after book and mothering chat after chat trying to figure out what I can do to fix it. Nothing feels quite right.
Last night I let them cry. I don't believe in "cry it out", but I was reaching a level of exhaustion and frustration that I had never felt before. In the nights previous I would get up, calm one, go back to bed, and the other one would cry. Then I would get up, calm that one, go back to bed, and the first one would be up again. I began to think that I was a part of the problem.
It's true, I do pretty much respond to their first cry. I did with Kyan, too. They are just so new and I want them to know that they are safe. The problem is that I think I have created babies that actually KNOW that if they make a peep, Mommy will come running. So, I tried it out. The cry it out thing. I hated it. I couldn't stay in bed while I did it so I sat out in the dining room with my "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Twins" book and a cup of tea and tried to read to distract myself, and to convince myself that I was doing the right thing.
Mason doesn't so much cry as he fusses, so that's not really a big deal. I can handle long periods of that. The problem is Ronan. He screams, and I mean SCREAMS. His cry is a mirror shattering, breathtaking shriek. It sounds like he is in pain. The real problem is that if I go in to his room and try to soothe him, without picking him up, it gets much worse. So, I either had to be all in or all out.
The desire to go in and hold him was excruciating, and eventually I was crying, too. Now, I know at this point many of you are thinking, "so just go in and hold him!" Trust me, I agree. The thing is that the desire to sleep for more than two consecutive hours a night is also overwhelming me. So is the fact that I keep experiencing bouts of depression that I feel are certainly brought on by exhaustion. I am beginning to feel that something must be done so that we can ALL stay healthy and happy. (By the way, where is the "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Mommy" book? Maybe I can write it when this is all over!)
So eventually we were a few minutes past the time limit that I had set for this excruciating experiment, but Ronan was periodically lapsing into silence punctuated now and then by high pitched shrieks, so I felt that the end was near. (In case you're wondering it had been about 25 minutes since they had begun to cry and I had gone in once to check on them which had made Ronan's crying increase by about 10 fold.) Just as Ronan began to give in, Mason, who had been quiet since I had gone in and given them their pacifiers about half way through the 25 minutes, started to fuss. Seriously? This is the reality of twindom. Just when you start to breathe a sigh of relief that you have finally cleaned up the huge blow out, or gotten the baby to sleep, etc., you look over and there's another one waiting for you to repeat your work.
So, Ronan's short shrieks increase a bit, you know, to harmonize with his brother's fussing, but eventually cease. At which point Mason decides that it is entirely too quiet and increases his lamentations. I sigh. I know that, unlike Ronan, if I go in and give Mason his pacifier he will fall back to sleep quickly, BUT he will probably wake up within the hour and want the same treatment. And, I can't very well let Ronan cry for 25-30 minutes and not test it with Mason, too. So, I wait. His fussing only lasts about 10 minutes. Finally, I go to bed. It is about 11:15. Ben has already gotten up to tell me that I have "Momsomnia", a condition we read about in "The Edge", a portion of the Oregonian, described as "when a sleep-deprived mom can't sleep despite the fact that her children are sleeping, because of either worries that said children will awaken at any moment, a desperate need for time to herself or a sudden desire to complete random household tasks."
It is true. I have experienced all three. This time, however, before the twins actually woke up (at about 10 pm) I had been lying there for about an hour unable to sleep because I had argued with Ben about whether or not to let them cry it out and who should be getting up with them each time, and because I was just waiting for them to wake up. It only made sense that they woke up at 10. The night before it was 11, and the night before it was 12, so they are waking up an hour earlier each night. Fabulous. They do not need to eat at this time. As newborns they were sleeping from 8 until about 2 or 3 each night by the age of 5 weeks. I am willing to accept that they are having a growth spurt, but I am not willing to feed them every 2-3 hours at night, because I truly do not think they need it, they just want it.
So, I would love to report that my first "cry it out" experience resulted in a blissful full night of sleep, which most of the books promise will follow the "cry it out" session, but alas, I cannot. They woke up at 2 am. While this time would have been an acceptable eating time, it meant that I got just over 2 consecutive hours of sleep before feeding them. So I fed them. They went back to sleep with no problems (after Ben changed Ronan's blow out and I changed Mason's virtually dry diaper). At 4:30 am (less than 2 consecutive hours later) Mason woke up and wanted his pacifier. I gave it to him and was drifting back into sleep when his fusses started again. My biggest fear was that he would wake Ronan, whose ear piercing shrieks would wake Kyan, who has taken to rising between 5 and 5:30 am lately. So, I ran to Mason, gathered his swaddled little body up and took him into my room to sleep in the co-sleeper. He continued to fuss a bit, whereupon I reinserted his pacifier, he would calm, then fuss, reinsert pacifier, calm, fuss, pacifier...you get the picture. This went on until I decided to feed him at 5:30. He ate and slept peacefully next to me while I finally drifted off again...almost. Then Kyan yelled out, "MAMA!", and Ronan began to fuss in his crib. Sigh.
Ben retrieved Ronan, I put Mason back in the co-sleeper and fed Ronan lying down in bed with my back to Mason. I had to repeatedly stretch my arm over my back to reinsert Mason's pacifier while I was still feeding Ronan. Now usually this would all take place with Kyan squirming and talking on Ben's side of the bed while we both shushed him so that Mason would stay asleep and Ronan would not be too distracted to eat. The one shining grace on this morning was our new "sleep trainer" clock. I purchased it to attempt to keep Kyan in his bed until a respectable hour. This was our first morning with said clock. Kyan initially yelled out for me because he didn't understand why it wasn't glowing green, which is his signal that he can get up out of bed. Ben explained the process to him and he proceeded to actually stay in his bed waiting for the green glow. He made it a half an hour, amazingly, and got up 2 minutes before the light would have come on. We called it success anyway.
So now I sit here while the babies take their first nap, sipping on my tiny cup of coffee, which has done nothing at all to ease the tired pulse behind my eyes, and wonder what my experiment has yielded. From what I can tell it has only given me a feeling of guilt and tired eyes. I couldn't stop kissing Ronan this morning, who smiled and laughed at me despite his bout of shrieking last night. If I follow the book I have to let them cry again tonight. It should be a shorter session tonight, even shorter tomorrow, until they don't cry at all. I'm not sure if I trust this, but I am sure that I am desperate.
It sure is hard to walk this parenting line...especially when it is blurred by exhausted eyes...
Oh well, at least they're irresistibly adorable!
great post! i really enjoy reading your experiences. By the by, i know anyone who really has had cry it out success.
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