In reference to the last post I would like to report that I have ceased any semblance of sleep training or cry it out. I have even ceased tandem feeding the babies at night. I have reverted to the same techniques I use with Kyan, only times two. Which means that when the babies cry I get them up and bring them to bed with me and feed them (one at a time). When one finishes, if I am still awake, I will return him to his crib. This often means that I have a baby with me in bed more than half the night. The strange thing is that I am actually getting more sleep. I'm not sure how that is and I'm not sure exactly whether or not this method is better, but for now it seems to be. Moving on....
Today I was thinking about Love, Mother Love, to be specific. Every time I pick up one of my boys I kiss, snuggle, and caress him. Every time I get Kyan near I do the same. I have no fear that my boys have any questions about how much they are loved. How on earth could I not love them?
In fact, I love them so much that I often want to eat them. Literally. I have had this conversation with my mother and with many other mothers and it sounds strange every time, yet we all understood and shared this common bond over the simple fact that we actually want to eat our children. They are so delicious and sweet that we want to consume them. It's a really weird thing to say, but a completely logical feeling.
Think about it: we carried these beautiful little beings inside of us for nine long months, then one day they were ripped from out of our body, the cord was severed, and they were on their own. As each month goes by they become more and more independent. It's easy to feel needed by them when they are infants, and I still feel that the twins are attached to me in some tangible way (probably boob to mouth attachment), but then I look at Kyan and I know that it is only a matter of time before the twins will be independent, too.
Don't get me wrong, Kyan needs me, but not like he used to. He now goes into his room in the morning, opens his drawers, chooses his clothing, and dresses himself. That kills me. I love it, but I hate it. It means that he is taking irreversible steps toward being his own independent little human being. One who doesn't need his Mommy anymore.
So, the desire to consume my children is a natural impulse. If I can get them back inside of me then they will always need me...or something like that.
The thing is that I am sure there are mothers with adopted children who also feel the need to consume their children, so I guess the need is really just Love in abundance.
My Mom and I discussed this at length while she was staying with me during my pregnancy with the twins. We wondered if men feel the need to eat their children, too. So, we asked Ben. He didn't really know how to respond, but finally answered that, no, he was pretty sure he had never had the impulse to consume the children. But, not too long after that we were talking about something cute Kyan did as we were going to bed and he told me he might actually have felt the impulse to eat Kyan. I laughed and concluded that this impulse is indeed just overwhelming Love.
I am lucky. Ben is lucky. Our children are lucky....to have such an abundance of love...
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