Reaching the top of the mountain: the end of nursing

It is official. The twins are done nursing.

I expected a rush of sadness and a feeling of loss, but I can't say that either of these things have really happened. I feel a tiny bit of sadness, I suppose, now that they are both officially done, but mostly I feel relief and pride. I was proud of nursing Kyan for 16 months, but nursing one baby is like taking a nice long walk along a moonlit beach; simple and sweet, and when it ends you feel a bit of remorse. Nursing twins is like climbing a very high mountain; a beautiful walk with lots of rewards, especially at the end, but challenging, and when you reach the top and take in the beautiful view all you can think is, "thank goodness that climb is over!"

I say all of this knowing that my nursing experience was FAR easier than many twin moms, and that many mothers of multiples don't make it as long as I did. Here are a few pictures from the early nursing days:

Ronan's first time!

Mason's first time!

Mason

 

 

 

Happy boys after a tandem session in the hospital!

on the go tandem nursing at 2 months!

Nursing became easier, or so it seemed, around 5 or 6 months when I stopped the tandem act. It meant I had to feed twice as long, but somehow it was more manageable. Then around 1 year they lost their patience with individual nursing. If I tried to nurse them separately the one waiting would FREAK out, so we went back to tandem. Here's an idea of what that was like:

I think Ronan was done and I was trying to keep him from attacking Mason while he finished :)

I have to say that this 15 months has gone so fast. I didn't even write the boys their 1 year letter, or make them a baby book, or compile their first year in video, all things I did for Kyan. I don't know exactly how I'll explain that to them other than to say, "well, boys, I spent all of the time that I would have been doing those things nursing you and recovering from the intense sleep deprivation caused by...nursing you!"

I think I did what was best for my boys, though now and then I wondered if I should have made different choices in order to help my husband and I sleep better and thus be better parents and spouses to one another. I'm not sure I could have justified it to myself, though.

Now the boys are walking, talking, jumping, almost running, and certainly climbing! They can eat most foods and definitely don't need to nurse anymore. The next step is getting rid of the pacifier and that's going to be a hard one!

holding them back from the waves!

I will likely never nurse a baby again (only 'likely' because crazy things happen, so I try not to think in absolutes), and I do mourn that. There is something so sweet and beautiful about nestling with your baby (or babies) and knowing that you are giving them the best food possible for their body. There is a sweet, milky smell about them that only comes from nursing. There is that sense of total calm and peace when a crying baby settles down to the breast and all is right in the world. There are those beautiful moments lying curled together on the bed and listening to the soft sucking and swallowing sounds of a baby. There is so much loveliness about nursing that it doesn't matter what else comes with it, I will remember the beauty instead.

It seems like this step away from me is the boys' first step toward independence. One day they will be like Kyan and only need me now and then. One day all three of them will turn away from me to some degree and take care of themselves. There is a part of me that longs for the boys to be more independent and there is a part of me that feels torn in half at the thought. I know that I have no control, motherhood has taught me that much, but I will hold on and hug them like crazy while I can...because there's nothing in the world as beautiful as my little boys.