Give Me a Break!

This past weekend I spent a luxurious 48+ hours on a retreat with three of my closest friends. I promised myself months ago that I would take myself to Breitenbush Hot Springs (alone if need be) to celebrate weaning the twins. I expected it to be in Fall and I gave myself a decent amount of time to accomplish my goal.

It wasn't easy. Can you imagine how hard it is to say, "no" to these two?

I went about weaning in a very gentle way...basically, I let them decide, but I encouraged them a bit and dropped feedings when they didn't seem to need them (even emotionally). So, I had to say no occasionally, but not much.

The amazing thing about the combination of weaning the boys and allowing myself a personal retreat is that I felt like all of a sudden I got myself back in every way. Physically, I can eat what I want, take cold medicine if need be, have as much coffee as I want, drink 2 glasses of wine without feeling guilty, and certain parts of my body have returned to normal size. What I didn't realize until I went away for the weekend is how much of myself I was suppressing mentally, as well.

The thing about motherhood is that it's really, really hard, but we do it because there is no alternative. We don't eliminate the children's needs because then what kind of mother would we be? Instead we eliminate our own needs. We push our desires, our interests, even our health into a corner and say we'll get to it when we have the time, but we never really have the time. Being away was sort of like waking up. There were so many parts of me that I was pushing aside in order to be a better mother, or so I thought. What I realized was that I can be a better mother if I allow myself to breathe and celebrate who I am occasionally.  The entire thing felt so foreign at first, suddenly I remembered what it felt like to just sit and read a book or drink a cup of coffee in the sunshine, and not worry about what comes next or who needs what. It was so beautiful and so renewing!

sitting by the river in an adirondack chair reading a book!

There were so many wonderful moments during the weekend, but for some reason I keep coming back to the first morning when my friend Patty, who also has three children, and I sat on the porch of the lodge in the sunshine drinking coffee. We sat there for at least an hour drinking and talking and when we were done we couldn't help but remark, somewhat jokingly, about how frivolous it seemed to have spent so much time just sitting there. We couldn't quite wrap our brains around it yet because we hadn't been there for long yet, but that time we took to ourselves was something we NEVER have time for in our everyday lives.

When I first visited Breitenbush I went with Ben for our wedding anniversary. Kyan was 2 years old and we had never left him overnight before. I was REALLY nervous about it, but I really wanted the time with Ben, too. One of the wonderful and complicated things about Breitenbush is that there is no cell reception or public phone or internet. I had no way of contacting home to make sure Kyan was okay. I had a great time, but there was a constant nagging in my gut because I couldn't totally release my anxiety about leaving him. When Sunday morning hit I was ready to go immediately and Ben had to reign me in and get me to relax for a bit longer. Here's a picture from that first trip:

This picture is one of the pictures from that trip that I go to when I feel like I'm letting myself slip away too much...it just feels like a picture that is SO very "me".

June 2009

Here's the cute little 2 year old Kyan that we left behind for our anniversary trip:

During this recent trip I felt very mild anxiety about leaving the three boys, but it totally faded by the end of the weekend. Maybe it was something about not being a first time mom, or maybe it was the fact that I needed the break so desperately that my mind knew better than to punish me with anxiety. Either way, I was pretty darn relaxed and I could have stayed another couple of days without getting too anxious!

September 2011

I found the time to be the "me" that I longed for when I look back at that picture because I gave myself the permission I needed to relax and renew. I think I gave myself a wonderful gift, and my husband also contributed to the gift by taking care of all three boys on his own for the first time ever (well, for a prolonged period of time, that is) without a single grumble.

I am so thankful for the moments that I was granted and I know that it will keep me stronger as I struggle, laugh, and celebrate with my beautiful family.