Time Out of Mind

Where has the time gone?

Well, it certainly hasn't been directed at my blog, I'll tell you that much. It is something of a mystery to me that I can look at something I enjoy doing so much (writing) as a chore and ignore it for months on end. I tried to determine what it is that makes me do this and the best I can come up with is that I am so exhausted by being a mother that in the moments of free time that I find myself with throughout the day my only desire is to do things that do not require thinking AT ALL.

Coming to this particular conclusion made me realize something else: the twins are going to be two in 3 short months and I am STILL stuck in survival mode. You know how people tell you that the first year is the hardest and they promise you'll get to sleep through the night eventually...? Yeah, well, Kyan taught me that the first year thing is a myth, but the twins have taken it to a new level:
We still do not sleep through the night. We have one child in bed with us for a minimum of two, but average of 5, hours a night. Our pediatrician actually told me that our family probably accounted for 10% of their business this winter. Ben and I sometimes forget to say hello to one another and don't realize it until the kids are in bed and we walk out of Kyan's room. In fact, Ben and I went on our first overnight date, since the twins were born, a couple of weeks ago. We had a great time, but on Sunday morning after waking up at 8 am (which felt unnaturally late to us) we weren't sure what to do with ourselves. We eventually found ourselves walking around downtown Portland with coffee in hand at 11 am and expressing how boring life is without kids. Ben finally said, "let's just go home. I kind of miss them."

I suppose this also illustrates how much we love our kids. They are so fun and crazy. Our house is a VERY loud, but never boring place to be. Kyan is growing into an incredibly hilarious little man. The other day at Costco he wanted to get another sample of something and I told him that the polite thing to do was to only take one. He REALLY wanted another one, so I told him he could ask the woman if it was okay. He walked up to her while I pretended not to be watching, but he couldn't spit it out. He finally came back to me and I realized that his shirt was backwards. I asked him why and he said, "I turned it around so she wouldn't recognize me." SERIOUSLY?! I was quite amused by his cleverness, though the woman giving out the samples seemed to think it was a tad bit naughty. Oh well...at least he's a clever naughty boy!

So from what I understand of parenthood so far it is a stunning combination of love, excitement, frustration, desperation, and futility. There is absolutely nothing like it in the world...although I did read a very good blog post comparing it to climbing Mt. Everest...It seems to me that, just as in life, we feel completely misunderstood by anyone who is not living the same reality that we are right this moment as parents. I had a woman tell me today that she thinks her situation is harder because her daughters are only a year apart and she thinks twins would be easier. Case in point. Any of my twin friends would understand how wrong it is to say that to a mother of twins.

I love being a mother. I love being a family. I am also learning to truly love and appreciate the moments that I take for myself outside of these things. Though, when I do take this time I feel sort of out of place in the normal kid-free world. I kind of want a sign on my chest that says "mother of three. taking a break.", so that I might attract others who are more like me. It's strange. Someday I am going to look back on this time and I am going to miss it terribly, yet I constantly dream of a time when all three of my boys will be more independent. Yet another lesson of motherhood...love it while you've got it. I think I'll focus on that one this week...