Since he once went to preschool full time (when I was working) I suppose it isn't a real "first", but somehow it felt that way. His new school is a cooperative preschool, meaning that I, as a parent, have a lot of work to do within the school. I work in his classroom once or twice a month as a parent teacher, and I have a formal "job" to do throughout the year.
Kyan will only be in school for 2 1/2 hours a day three days a week, so it's not a huge chunk of time, but somehow this has kick started my mama grief because it seems like he's so much closer to kindergarten, which is so much closer to elementary school, which is so much closer to middle school...you can see where I'm going with this.
Walking through the mall with the family the other day I was looking at teenage boys, I always do this, and trying to imagine our boys as teenagers. I turned to Ben and asked him if he ever does this and he looked at me like I was a bit crazy and said, "No." Well, maybe I am crazy, but I try to imagine what it will feel like to have three grown boys who are itching for independence from their parents and who are forming identities that we, as parents, will have little control over. One of the things that stood out in the child psychology class that I had to take to get my masters degree in teaching was the fact that a very large part of a child's identity is formed outside the home. There were numbers attached to this that showed how much time a child spends outside the home (mainly in school) and how big an influence their peers have on them vs. how much influence parents have on them. For some reason I have never been able to forget that. Maybe it's the control freak in me that can't believe I will have so little control over these boys that I gave birth to.
I guess this is why I am so concerned about the schools that I will send my children to. I have worked in a lot of different school settings. I have taught at a daycare style school that had a teaching philosophy, but was set up for full time working parents. I have taught at a cooperative alternative school run entirely by the parents on a governing board. I have worked in a public elementary school, and of course taught in a public high school. I have developed some very strong feelings through all of these experiences and now that my first child is nearing the age where he will begin to go to school "for real" I am faced with some huge decisions.
Ben and I have had a goal for the last couple of years. Our plan is to move back to the coast so that Kyan can go to the cooperative alternative school that I taught at years ago. I have a lot of reasons behind my desire to send Kyan, and eventually the twins, there, but the most important one is that I want the foundation of their education to be a love of learning. There are amazing teachers in public schools that do give their students this foundation, but they are not all amazing and even the amazing ones are hampered by the system they are a part of and the curriculums that they are required to stick to.
I'm not worried about Kyan learning the basics, I know that he will learn them whether at home or at school, what I'm worried about is that my boys learn about community, about loyalty, about kindness, about nature, and about their place in the world they live in. I want them to think of school as an extension of home; a place they feel comfortable in and responsible for. I don't think that happens in a public school. I don't blame those who run the public schools for the lack of these things, because often they are working hard to create them, but the public education model itself is severely lacking. There was a time I thought I would one day fight to change this model and help to save public education...then I became a public school teacher. The need for change is huge and I saw that even more once I was teaching everyday, but it is so huge that it is overwhelming. I don't have answers. I don't know if anyone really does. It is such a grandiose problem that there is not one answer. The problem is, I don't want to sacrifice my children's foundation to a system that I don't believe in.
When Ben and I discuss this he always brings up the argument that the public education system is a representation of our society and that our boys, like it or not, will one day have to function within that society. Point taken. I am entirely willing to expose them to the inherent flaws of the society in which they will live but only once they have a solid foundation for dealing with those flaws. I want them to have a real childhood. I want them to get dirty and messy while learning about science. I want them to run in the woods and build forts during recess. I want them to love and respect their peers because the community they are a part of values that. I want them to think about their classroom as their home and take care of it as such.
Maybe I have too clear a picture of my goal for the boys because I taught in the school where I want them to end up. All I know is that I will fight to the death for them to have a solid foundation. I don't think they will end up as horrible people if I send them to a public school. In fact, I'm sure that, as parents, Ben and I could give them a solid foundation no matter where they go to school, but if I can provide them with an environment that will nurture that foundation rather than counter it then I am going to fight like hell to do it.
One day I will watch each of my boys cross the stage at their high school graduation and I know I will be filled with pride. I know also that what they become and who they will be is entirely up to them once they reach that precipice. I just hope that the decisions I have made up until that point will lead them in the right direction. I suppose that's all I can do...I can give them roots so that they can lift their wings and fly...
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