Where Has the Time Gone?

So, I must admit that the initial excitement about blogging seems to have been buried somewhere underneath the piles of dirty cloth diapers and the never ending sound of the dryer...not to mention the plethora of play dates I have been not only attending, but hosting!

4 sets of twins and 3 siblings!

I am loving the life of a stay at home Mom, and so far I'm not really missing work. It feels so good to keep control of my house and to be there for my children. I am so thankful that I have this opportunity and I plan on making the most of it!
The problem seems to be that I am lamenting the years with Kyan where I was at work. I am watching him grow into this amazing little man and realizing that I let go of many of my early edicts with him, mostly because it was such a challenge just to survive being a working mom, that I had no more energy to fight the world in his defense.
I am mostly referring to the same issues that I talked about in the last blog: consumerism, media, etc.. The superhero craze is so rampant at our house that I feel like I am going to go insane! I remember the early days of his life, and even my pregnancy with him, when I was so sure that I would be able to single handedly fight off the ills of the world that would dare to infect the innocence of my little boy. Since then I feel like it has been a slow downward spiral into the realities of our media driven society, and I have no idea how to stop it!
This is mostly coming from the fact that we visited with a neighbor yesterday, one whom we met a long time ago but have never spent time with. She has a son the same age as Kyan, so it is a bit sad that we've never connected before now. Her house was an immaculately remodeled version of ours (all the houses in this neighborhood have a similar 50's style with various add ons and additions), and her parenting style seemed to be an exact replica of what I imagined mine would be.
Her son only had wooden toys and little to no media inspired gadgets. I tried to digest it all without getting upset, but by the time we got home I felt frustrated with Kyan (in his new Spiderman shirt from Grandma) who was telling me that he was a superhero and I was poopy therefore he did not need to eat his dinner. I found myself sinking deeper into this funk. I looked around my own house, which earlier that day I had felt great pride in when I had it all clean and ready for our big twin play date, and felt inadequate.
I kept asking myself where I had gone wrong. Where did that vision I had of Kyan's minimalist upbringing get lost? The best answer I could come up with was that it had been lost somewhere in the insane rat race of working motherhood. Somehow my survival mode parenting style during the first 3 years of Kyan's life did not quite meet my own expectations.
Now, I want to stop here and say that I know that I am a good mother. I know that I have done well with Kyan in MANY ways, and I am not looking for reassurance in that area. I do know. I swear. I also know that I have held on to many of my compunctions and I have carried them into the parenting of Mason and Ronan already. Together Ben and I have done a darn good job with Kyan. Really we have. And, I know we will do a good job with the twins. Now if only I could somehow rid my life of super heroes, Buzz Lightyear, and Transformers, I would feel a lot better.
So, then there's the issue of the twins. They are growing so darn fast! I was sure they weren't big enough for the Bumbo chairs until yesterday when I plopped them in, because they were out for our twin play date, and low and behold they were both fine!

This was a startling reminder of how fast they are growing! Mason has already rolled over for goodness' sake!

 

So, the question is, how am I going to parent these growing boys alongside my big boy, now that I am home with them all the time and have the time to accomplish more of my original goals? The reality is that I can't just eliminate the media from Kyan's life because it is already part of his consciousness. I have GREATLY limited his television time in the last few weeks, and I am very happy with that, but the superhero craze was never associated with television, it was learned from other kids at daycare and school. 

This is the dawning reality: the world that he lives in is going to affect him no matter how hard I fight it! Which, I think, is why I let go of so much over the past 3 years. I used to fight the grandparents over battery operated toys. My dad will remember the first argument over a big light up lie under baby toy for Kyan. I was thankful for his gift, but frustrated with the lights and sounds that I didn't really want to expose Kyan to yet. I wanted simpler things for him, but I felt so badly about dissing my dad's gift that I gave in. And, that was just the first of many. In fact, now that the twins are playing more I've thought about that toy, which is up in our storage, and wondered if I should get it out for them, but I haven't. 

If you happen to be waiting for the part of this post where I have an AHA! moment and answer all of my own questions, you'll be waiting a long time. I think the answers to these questions are going to come over time. I think I am going to have to try to redevelop my image of myself as a parent. I have the time now; in fact, it is my job. I always give my all to a challenge, so I know I will figure this out. I have to tell myself that 3 years old isn't so old that change can't occur, but at the same time I can't deny Kyan those things that interest him at this stage in the game just to meet my parenting ideal. Somehow, I will figure out how exactly to walk this line. I just hope I can maintain my balance while juggling three little boys and all of their charms!