The Inevitability of Loss

When I first held Kyan in my arms I knew that all of the dreams and aspirations I had ever had were contained within his tiny little body. As he grows from my newborn baby to the tiny little man that he is becoming, I mourn each passing phase and say goodbye to the Kyan of each moment.

Now that I have brought two more amazing little beings into the world I am reliving the cruel dance of time and watching them change and grow. Perhaps the pain of each loss is more profound because I know that I will never again cradle a newborn that I birthed, or see the first smile of one of my children, or watch the first awareness of the world develop through the eyes of my child.

I realize this all sounds ridiculously morose, but perhaps my focus on these losses has something to do with the season...the earth around us is in quiet hibernation and the season is dark and cold. Monday brings the winter solstice and the sun will begin its ascent back into our lives as the days get longer and we creep toward the buds of springtime. This slow spiral that we experience each year as the seasons change is reflected in the growth of my children as I watch them change and know that I will never again know them as they are right now.

I have often thought about the loss my parents must feel when they think back to our childhood. My mother has told me many times how much she misses her little girl...I used to scoff at her silly sentimentality, but now I know exactly what she means. Each year we lose some part of our child while we gain a new aspect of him. I love the newly intellectual and contemplative Kyan, but I sure do miss his baby babble and his chubby cheeks.

When I look back at the pictures of the twins when they were newborns, a mere 6 months ago, I feel like I barely know those little beings who are now babbling babies with expanding personalities and preferences. I try to remember Kyan at this age and it is a bit of a blur, lost, I suppose, in the haze of exhaustion that pervades the first year with a child.

I have begun to look at older boys with awe and try to imagine myself with three teenage sons. It makes me want to cry to imagine them shutting me out and living in a teenage universe akin to that of my students. I feel frantic to figure out the key to raising a child who is somehow resistant to the apathy that infects so many of our youth.

I know I am getting ahead of myself, but it just seems to move so fast. Sometimes I barely feel old enough to buy a bottle of wine, and other days I feel so old that I can't believe retirement is so far away!
There is so much to come in this life that Ben and I have created. I long to see what my boys will become while at the same time I want to hold them in these moments of time like a butterfly in amber. I suppose my frantic photography is my attempt at crystallizing each moment of their existence so that I don't forget who they were while they become who they are going to be.

As the sun is reborn this season I will focus on the next moment with my boys and try not to dwell too long on that which is lost. As I typed that sentence the rising sun broke through the trees and blinded me as I sat here typing at the table. It is early morning and the twins are already napping after a 6 am wake up and Kyan is with his Nana and Papa. This moment of quiet contemplation is rare and despite the pulsing of tiredness behind my eyes, I am thankful for all that I have and all that is to come, and most of all I am thankful for the amazing privilege of experiencing the lives of my three boys.

Here is a tribute to my boys as they were and as they are now:

Kyan 1 week old

Kyan 6 months old

Kyan's first Christmas

Kyan's first birthday

Kyan's 2nd Christmas (18 months)

Kyan's 2nd birthday

Kyan's third Christmas (2 1/2)

Kyan's 3rd birthday

Kyan's fourth Christmas (3 1/2)

newborn twins (still in hospital)

Ronan 2 weeks old

Mason 2 weeks old

twins 1 month old

twins 2 months old

twins 3 months old

twins 4 months old

twins 5 months old

twins 5 1/2 months old (thanksgiving)

twins first Christmas (6 months)

Oh, to be an adult among adults...

So, it should say something about my social life that I spent the kids' nap time yesterday trying to figure out what to wear to Ben's work Christmas party so that I wouldn't look so "mom-ish". I can fit into a lot of pre-pregnancy stuff now, but it's not super comfy yet. I pulled out all of my "teacher" clothes and though I could wear some none of them really gave me that non-mom feeling. I finally pulled something together that made me happy and I was actually excited to get out (at dinnertime no less) of the house and have an adult break.
I found myself in an entirely new situation during our socializing, though. I am now the non-working one. I am the stay at home mom who stands and smiles while everyone else talks about work. This is totally new. I began to have these crazy visualizations of myself nodding my head like a Stepford wife and agreeing with everything my husband says. I was painfully aware of the fact that no one there knew anything about me other than the fact that I had just had twins a few months ago and that I stay home to care for them.
Finally, probably noticing my distraction while I analyzed these crazy thoughts in my head, one of the women we were chatting with asked me what I do. She was probably one of the only ones who didn't know about the twins since she doesn't actually work directly with Ben. So, I got to talk about my choice to stay home with the kids rather than teach for awhile. Then Ben brought in my writing aspirations, which he is sort of having for me at the moment, and I got to talk a bit about literature. I felt better. I felt that at least these people now know there is a brain in my head that doesn't only speak Mom.
I enjoyed feeling attractive and having adult conversations...I didn't even realize that it has probably been close to a year since I have had such an experience. Seriously. We didn't do a whole lot of "adult" socializing from my perch on the couch, and since the twins were born we've done a few very short dates which we yawned through and spent talking about how to get more sleep.
It's a crazy thing when you step back into the world outside of parenting and realize that it has been going on without you...there are people out there who truly do sleep at night and eat meals without having to ask their table mates to sit down and use a fork.
Many of the people we chatted with were also parents; there were even two Dads of twins. So, the parenting world was sort of blended with the adult wine drinking world. It was nice. I even confessed to one couple, who are also parents, that I spent nap time deciding what to wear. It felt good to be in a dress and not sweat pants, though the minute I got home I had to rip the dress off so that I could breast feed Ronan who had just woken up...my sweat pants and breast milk stained camisole were back on within 3 minutes of entering the house. I suppose there is something metaphorical about that. You can dress the Mom up, but she's still Mom underneath. I can accept this.
I promised Ben that as soon as my eyes stop throbbing with exhaustion I will consider beginning to write. As it is I can see that the quality of even my blog posts is affected by my lack of sleep. Some are witty and mildly intelligent, some are simply rants with bad grammar and ill formed sentences...I've got a long way to go before I can confidently fill more than a page or two...
Until then, cheers to my boys and Happy Holidays!

Divide and Conquer

Here's the problem with having twins: THERE ARE TWO OF THEM!
What this seems to mean is that whenever you feel you have gotten through the most recent challenge with one, the other one decides that it's his turn to bring new and complicated problems to light.
For example, they continually switch places when it comes to "good sleeper" and "bad sleeper". So, just when Ronan finally becomes a better sleeper, Mason decides he should probably wake up every 1-2 hours....Perhaps it's teething, perhaps they're growing, but all I know is that I'm not sleeping.
So, if Ronan is sleeping poorly and we decide it's because he's teething, and then he recovers does that really mean that it's Mason's turn to teeth? I mean, really?
I thought for awhile that having one doing well and the other not was better...you know, at least they're not both nightmares, but now I'm wondering. Wouldn't it be easier if they were both nightmares at the same time and then there could be periods of time where they BOTH recover and I get to sleep. Here's hoping, I guess.
I suppose it could be the holidays getting to them...I forget each year how much I love/hate this time of year...it's a lot like how women forget how awful pregnancy and child birth are after the baby comes and then they are crazy enough to do it all over again....yeah, just like that.
At least there are cute photo ops this time of year, though....

There's something almost gothic about this picture. The boys all look so serious...I love the picture, but it doesn't quite have that "Happy Holidays" feel :) This one's pretty cute, though:

Kyan went up to Santa and asked him, very politely to go outside and see his sleigh and reindeer. The clever Santa responded that they only came with him on Christmas eve...lucky for him Kyan didn't ask him how on earth he got to the party from the North Pole then.
We have a new Christmas tradition thanks to my cousin Amy, it's called the Elf on the Shelf. It's a cute little elf that hangs out up on the bookshelf and watches Kyan's behavior. He then reports back to Santa at the North Pole each night, so when Kyan gets up in the morning he is always in a different place. Kyan loves it. Last night he spent about 10+ minutes before bed unburdening himself to his elf. He told him all about his day, and why he made his good and bad choices. He told him the things he likes, dislikes, wants for Christmas, doesn't want to eat, does want to eat, etc., and he kept asking here and there, "and, how do you fly to the North Pole, I want to know?"
This one's a little too clever for his own good. I'm not sure how long this whole Santa thing will last for him....he loves the fun of it, but he seriously seems to be on to us already.
Mason and Ronan still believe, at least :)
Anyway, I had to rant for a moment as I begin the day with that familiar pounding behind my eyeballs. It seems that whenever the sleep deprivation gets out of control I begin to fantasize about single life...no children, no husband, no dog...just me and a whole lot of sleep filled nights. It feels like a nice fantasy for a few seconds until I realize that I need that husband, those children, and that crazy dog to be happy...if only the sleep filled nights could grace me with their presence....
Happy Holidays from our sleepless household to yours!

'Tis the Season

Well, the holidays are here in full force. I'm not sure how this December thing came around so quickly, but here we are. We opened the first door in the advent house today and began our countdown. We have already been to Zoo Lights, a holiday tradition around here:

It seems like the holidays become more important each year as Kyan becomes more aware of what is happening. I am fighting the shopper in me to stay focused on teaching Kyan that less is more. A few GREAT gifts are better than a bunch of things that he will only look at for a few days and then toss aside.

I am only getting the twins one present each since they will have no idea what is going on, and we are pretty tight on money this year since I am no longer working. So they will each get a big present that they will grow into. Kyan has a long Christmas list that will probably be mostly honored between us, Grandma & Papa, and Nana & Papa. I just hope he begins to understand the spirit of giving this year, as well as the spirit of receiving

The twins had their first meal at Thanksgiving:

We started with sweet potatoes and have since had some rice cereal, a bit of banana, and some pumpkin. I have already made and frozen a batch of sweet potato and a batch of butternut squash. Mason is LOVING food and eating like an 8 month old:

Ronan on the other hand isn't quite getting the hang of it. I don't think he is quite ready, honestly. I am still giving him tastes when I feed Mason, but I'm not pushing it. He gags and spits it out most of the time, and just doesn't seem to physically achieve swallowing very well. He does, on the other hand, think he wants the food and fusses until you give him a bite.

Our sleep issues are far from resolved, but I think we're in pretty good shape. I found myself perusing sleep training books again last night on Amazon and reading parent reviews. I put a couple on hold a the library, but it seems that none of them really take into account the breastfeeding family. There is one, The No Cry Sleep Solution, that is endorsed by the La Leche League, that could be worth the time, but it's hard to say. I'm going to check it out and see if there's some way to fix whatever I'm doing wrong. I'm realizing that getting the babies to sleep 12 hours is not my goal, but maybe getting 6-7 hours at a time would be fabulous!

Our newest challenge in the household is dinner time. We have been "climbing the ladder" with a pretty consistent response pertaining to Kyan's behavior, and we are coming close to fixing the "imbalance of family power" (referenced in the aforementioned book, Beyond Time Out: From Chaos to Calm). The problem is that the only power he has been able to hang on to is related to food. I have an issue with food. I somehow equate being a good mother with seeing my children eat well. It's as if, so long as he is full of good healthy food, my boy will be able to withstand anything and I can rest easy. The reality, however, is that I cannot force Kyan to eat. Kyan knows this. Therefore he actively engages in power struggles over food on a regular basis, and I engage back. It is now the only only time I engage in power struggles since I have fixed my parenting responses in all other areas. SO, dinner time sucks.

I have accepted that the solution, also offered in the above mentioned book, is to let go of being the food police and allow him to go hungry if necessary. I cannot begin to tell you how hard that is for me. So, after rereading the chapter on eating and discussing it thoroughly with Ben, we came up with a plan.
Kyan no longer has any access to television time except as a reward. We were using it as a punishment, or something to "take away", but we decided to flip it and make it a positive thing instead. So, every time Kyan has a successful dinner time experience, which includes being polite, staying in his seat, eating with utensils, and eating well, he will get 1/2 an hour of television time.

In addition to that, he will only get two warnings about his behavior at the table (which is part of climbing the ladder) and then will have to leave the table and finish his dinner when Ben and I get up from the table. That is only for the first two times it happens. After that we should be able to have him leave the table briefly and regroup in his room and then return and try again.

In preparation for this shift in protocol I spent a lot of time prepping Kyan and even prepared one of his favorite meals last night (hamburger and kale). While I was explaining what would happen he stopped me and said, "Well, Mama, what exactly does being polite mean?" I was so impressed by his well worded question that I stopped cooking dinner and sat down at the table with him to explain. 

We started dinner without Daddy because Ben was late getting home, and it all went really well. When Ben got home Kyan even explained to him what it looks like to be "polite" at the dinner table. There had to be a warning when he was dealing with the transition of Daddy's arrival, but overall he had a very successful dinner and earned his 1/2 hour of TV. He also ate every bite of his hamburger and all of his kale (he only ate one fry, but that's fine with me, I'll take kale over fries any day!)

I think I might be getting better at this whole parenting thing now that it's not a mad dash to get everything done in between work and daycare. I am able to think things out more thoroughly, research solutions, discuss them with Ben, and put them into action. When I was working I felt like I could barely keep my head above water, let alone get creative and active about our problems. It's a nice feeling.

Sometimes when I am doing the tenth load of laundry for the week, or cooking dinner again, or changing yet another poopy diaper, I have a moment where I imagine myself (and my $50,000 education) back in the classroom where there are no poopy diapers or dirty laundry, but usually I am quickly catapulted back into my mama reality by the complaints of an imaginary teenage student, or the arm farts coming from the back of my imaginary classroom. I may be paying student loans every month so that I can change diapers, but there is no place I would rather be than on this journey with my beautiful children.