To Cry or Not To Cry

I originally began this blog as a place to think, vent, and laugh about the craziness that is my life. The problem has been that I am an English teacher with two degrees who is dying for some intellectual stimulation, so I have treated each blog post like a mini assignment. I keep putting the writing off because I don't have time to do it as well as I would like, meanwhile there are blog posts running around in my head all the time and I feel like I'm talking to myself. So, I am going to release my need to publish perfect article style posts and just write.

I am exhausted. The kind of tired that sits behind your eyes and keeps you from pretending that you got enough sleep last night. The babies have been fairly difficult at night, which is in stark contrast to their sweet and calm demeanor during the day. I have been reading book after book and mothering chat after chat trying to figure out what I can do to fix it. Nothing feels quite right.

Last night I let them cry. I don't believe in "cry it out", but I was reaching a level of exhaustion and frustration that I had never felt before. In the nights previous I would get up, calm one, go back to bed, and the other one would cry. Then I would get up, calm that one, go back to bed, and the first one would be up again. I began to think that I was a part of the problem.

It's true, I do pretty much respond to their first cry. I did with Kyan, too. They are just so new and I want them to know that they are safe. The problem is that I think I have created babies that actually KNOW that if they make a peep, Mommy will come running. So, I tried it out. The cry it out thing. I hated it. I couldn't stay in bed while I did it so I sat out in the dining room with my "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Twins" book and a cup of tea and tried to read to distract myself, and to convince myself that I was doing the right thing.

Mason doesn't so much cry as he fusses, so that's not really a big deal. I can handle long periods of that. The problem is Ronan. He screams, and I mean SCREAMS. His cry is a mirror shattering, breathtaking shriek. It sounds like he is in pain. The real problem is that if I go in to his room and try to soothe him, without picking him up, it gets much worse. So, I either had to be all in or all out.

The desire to go in and hold him was excruciating, and eventually I was crying, too. Now, I know at this point many of you are thinking, "so just go in and hold him!" Trust me, I agree. The thing is that the desire to sleep for more than two consecutive hours a night is also overwhelming me. So is the fact that I keep experiencing bouts of depression that I feel are certainly brought on by exhaustion. I am beginning to feel that something must be done so that we can ALL stay healthy and happy. (By the way, where is the "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Mommy" book? Maybe I can write it when this is all over!)

So eventually we were a few minutes past the time limit that I had set for this excruciating experiment, but Ronan was periodically lapsing into silence punctuated now and then by high pitched shrieks, so I felt that the end was near. (In case you're wondering it had been about 25 minutes since they had begun to cry and I had gone in once to check on them which had made Ronan's crying increase by about 10 fold.) Just as Ronan began to give in, Mason, who had been quiet since I had gone in and given them their pacifiers about half way through the 25 minutes, started to fuss. Seriously? This is the reality of twindom. Just when you start to breathe a sigh of relief that you have finally cleaned up the huge blow out, or gotten the baby to sleep, etc., you look over and there's another one waiting for you to repeat your work.

So, Ronan's short shrieks increase a bit, you know, to harmonize with his brother's fussing, but eventually cease. At which point Mason decides that it is entirely too quiet and increases his lamentations. I sigh. I know that, unlike Ronan, if I go in and give Mason his pacifier he will fall back to sleep quickly, BUT he will probably wake up within the hour and want the same treatment. And, I can't very well let Ronan cry for 25-30 minutes and not test it with Mason, too. So, I wait. His fussing only lasts about 10 minutes. Finally, I go to bed. It is about 11:15. Ben has already gotten up to tell me that I have "Momsomnia", a condition we read about in "The Edge", a portion of the Oregonian, described as "when a sleep-deprived mom can't sleep despite the fact that her children are sleeping, because of either worries that said children will awaken at any moment, a desperate need for time to herself or a sudden desire to complete random household tasks."

It is true. I have experienced all three. This time, however, before the twins actually woke up (at about 10 pm) I had been lying there for about an hour unable to sleep because I had argued with Ben about whether or not to let them cry it out and who should be getting up with them each time, and because I was just waiting for them to wake up. It only made sense that they woke up at 10. The night before it was 11, and the night before it was 12, so they are waking up an hour earlier each night. Fabulous. They do not need to eat at this time. As newborns they were sleeping from 8 until about 2 or 3 each night by the age of 5 weeks. I am willing to accept that they are having a growth spurt, but I am not willing to feed them every 2-3 hours at night, because I truly do not think they need it, they just want it.

So, I would love to report that my first "cry it out" experience resulted in a blissful full night of sleep, which most of the books promise will follow the "cry it out" session, but alas, I cannot. They woke up at 2 am. While this time would have been an acceptable eating time, it meant that I got just over 2 consecutive hours of sleep before feeding them. So I fed them. They went back to sleep with no problems (after Ben changed Ronan's blow out and I changed Mason's virtually dry diaper). At 4:30 am (less than 2 consecutive hours later) Mason woke up and wanted his pacifier. I gave it to him and was drifting back into sleep when his fusses started again. My biggest fear was that he would wake Ronan, whose ear piercing shrieks would wake Kyan, who has taken to rising between 5 and 5:30 am lately. So, I ran to Mason, gathered his swaddled little body up and took him into my room to sleep in the co-sleeper. He continued to fuss a bit, whereupon I reinserted his pacifier, he would calm, then fuss, reinsert pacifier, calm, fuss, pacifier...you get the picture. This went on until I decided to feed him at 5:30. He ate and slept peacefully next to me while I finally drifted off again...almost. Then Kyan yelled out, "MAMA!", and Ronan began to fuss in his crib. Sigh.

Ben retrieved Ronan, I put Mason back in the co-sleeper and fed Ronan lying down in bed with my back to Mason. I had to repeatedly stretch my arm over my back to reinsert Mason's pacifier while I was still feeding Ronan. Now usually this would all take place with Kyan squirming and talking on Ben's side of the bed while we both shushed him so that Mason would stay asleep and Ronan would not be too distracted to eat. The one shining grace on this morning was our new "sleep trainer" clock. I purchased it to attempt to keep Kyan in his bed until a respectable hour. This was our first morning with said clock. Kyan initially yelled out for me because he didn't understand why it wasn't glowing green, which is his signal that he can get up out of bed. Ben explained the process to him and he proceeded to actually stay in his bed waiting for the green glow. He made it a half an hour, amazingly, and got up 2 minutes before the light would have come on. We called it success anyway.

So now I sit here while the babies take their first nap, sipping on my tiny cup of coffee, which has done nothing at all to ease the tired pulse behind my eyes, and wonder what my experiment has yielded. From what I can tell it has only given me a feeling of guilt and tired eyes. I couldn't stop kissing Ronan this morning, who smiled and laughed at me despite his bout of shrieking last night. If I follow the book I have to let them cry again tonight. It should be a shorter session tonight, even shorter tomorrow, until they don't cry at all. I'm not sure if I trust this, but I am sure that I am desperate.
It sure is hard to walk this parenting line...especially when it is blurred by exhausted eyes...
Oh well, at least they're irresistibly adorable!

Where Has the Time Gone?

So, I must admit that the initial excitement about blogging seems to have been buried somewhere underneath the piles of dirty cloth diapers and the never ending sound of the dryer...not to mention the plethora of play dates I have been not only attending, but hosting!

4 sets of twins and 3 siblings!

I am loving the life of a stay at home Mom, and so far I'm not really missing work. It feels so good to keep control of my house and to be there for my children. I am so thankful that I have this opportunity and I plan on making the most of it!
The problem seems to be that I am lamenting the years with Kyan where I was at work. I am watching him grow into this amazing little man and realizing that I let go of many of my early edicts with him, mostly because it was such a challenge just to survive being a working mom, that I had no more energy to fight the world in his defense.
I am mostly referring to the same issues that I talked about in the last blog: consumerism, media, etc.. The superhero craze is so rampant at our house that I feel like I am going to go insane! I remember the early days of his life, and even my pregnancy with him, when I was so sure that I would be able to single handedly fight off the ills of the world that would dare to infect the innocence of my little boy. Since then I feel like it has been a slow downward spiral into the realities of our media driven society, and I have no idea how to stop it!
This is mostly coming from the fact that we visited with a neighbor yesterday, one whom we met a long time ago but have never spent time with. She has a son the same age as Kyan, so it is a bit sad that we've never connected before now. Her house was an immaculately remodeled version of ours (all the houses in this neighborhood have a similar 50's style with various add ons and additions), and her parenting style seemed to be an exact replica of what I imagined mine would be.
Her son only had wooden toys and little to no media inspired gadgets. I tried to digest it all without getting upset, but by the time we got home I felt frustrated with Kyan (in his new Spiderman shirt from Grandma) who was telling me that he was a superhero and I was poopy therefore he did not need to eat his dinner. I found myself sinking deeper into this funk. I looked around my own house, which earlier that day I had felt great pride in when I had it all clean and ready for our big twin play date, and felt inadequate.
I kept asking myself where I had gone wrong. Where did that vision I had of Kyan's minimalist upbringing get lost? The best answer I could come up with was that it had been lost somewhere in the insane rat race of working motherhood. Somehow my survival mode parenting style during the first 3 years of Kyan's life did not quite meet my own expectations.
Now, I want to stop here and say that I know that I am a good mother. I know that I have done well with Kyan in MANY ways, and I am not looking for reassurance in that area. I do know. I swear. I also know that I have held on to many of my compunctions and I have carried them into the parenting of Mason and Ronan already. Together Ben and I have done a darn good job with Kyan. Really we have. And, I know we will do a good job with the twins. Now if only I could somehow rid my life of super heroes, Buzz Lightyear, and Transformers, I would feel a lot better.
So, then there's the issue of the twins. They are growing so darn fast! I was sure they weren't big enough for the Bumbo chairs until yesterday when I plopped them in, because they were out for our twin play date, and low and behold they were both fine!

This was a startling reminder of how fast they are growing! Mason has already rolled over for goodness' sake!

 

So, the question is, how am I going to parent these growing boys alongside my big boy, now that I am home with them all the time and have the time to accomplish more of my original goals? The reality is that I can't just eliminate the media from Kyan's life because it is already part of his consciousness. I have GREATLY limited his television time in the last few weeks, and I am very happy with that, but the superhero craze was never associated with television, it was learned from other kids at daycare and school. 

This is the dawning reality: the world that he lives in is going to affect him no matter how hard I fight it! Which, I think, is why I let go of so much over the past 3 years. I used to fight the grandparents over battery operated toys. My dad will remember the first argument over a big light up lie under baby toy for Kyan. I was thankful for his gift, but frustrated with the lights and sounds that I didn't really want to expose Kyan to yet. I wanted simpler things for him, but I felt so badly about dissing my dad's gift that I gave in. And, that was just the first of many. In fact, now that the twins are playing more I've thought about that toy, which is up in our storage, and wondered if I should get it out for them, but I haven't. 

If you happen to be waiting for the part of this post where I have an AHA! moment and answer all of my own questions, you'll be waiting a long time. I think the answers to these questions are going to come over time. I think I am going to have to try to redevelop my image of myself as a parent. I have the time now; in fact, it is my job. I always give my all to a challenge, so I know I will figure this out. I have to tell myself that 3 years old isn't so old that change can't occur, but at the same time I can't deny Kyan those things that interest him at this stage in the game just to meet my parenting ideal. Somehow, I will figure out how exactly to walk this line. I just hope I can maintain my balance while juggling three little boys and all of their charms!