Two years on the mountain

This Friday, June 8th, Mason and Ronan will be 2 years old. I am having a somewhat hard time processing this event. I have a birthday party planned for which I have done absolutely NOTHING to prepare. I have gifts purchased. I took them to their two year well-check. I have mentioned the event to them and tried to teach them to say, "I am 2 years old" while holding up two fingers. But, that's it. Beyond these simple things (which may or may not have all been performed within the last 48 hours) I think I might be in denial. 

one day old

How can they be 2? I mean, really? and at the same time, how can they be ONLY 2!!?? They still don't sleep through the night much of the time. We get about 2-3 good nights to every 1 bad night. I guess that's improvement, but if someone had told me that we would still be struggling with sleeping all night long when the twins turned 2, I might have thrown in the towel. On the other hand, they talk like a couple of 3 year olds and their comprehension blows my mind. I forgot that when they hit this transitional age you can truly start getting them to understand what you want from them. It's so cool. But, then again, half the time whatever you ask of them results in a 3 minute temper tantrum that cannot be soothed by ANYTHING. Sigh...two. two year olds. TWO OF THEM!!!!

almost 2

When I found out we were having twins I don't think I was capable of thinking this far ahead. I could see VERY distant future, but I kept myself going through the first two years by only anticipating tomorrow. Now I am faced every day with the question of whether or not to stay home (easier physically) and listen to the boys fight, cry, whine, and sing random songs at top volume 50% of the time OR head out into the world (that is, by they way, very ill equipped to handle TWO 2 year olds) and chase, shout, jump, cry, or elbow my way through some sort of toddler entertainment while simultaneously juggling the very specific desires, complaints, and needs of a 5 year old. 

Today it went something like this:

They boys are a bit sick so I figured I would stay home rather than exposing the world to their illness, so I planned nothing. However, at 9 am, after 3 rounds of breakfast, 3 temper tantrums per 2 year old, 1 temper tantrum from 5 year old, 2 knock down drag out fights between two 2 year olds, one fight between a 2 year old and a 5 year old, and 4 recitations of the "clean up, clean up" song in order to restore dumped baskets, bins, or shelves to order, I was DONE. So, I decided we would go to the library. It's always a crap shoot. The twins go in in a stroller, but will no longer stay in the stroller while looking for books, but we go early enough that it's almost empty. So we went. It could have been worse except for the fact that each time I put Mason into his car seat I had to wrestle him down to a sitting position and hold him in said position while simultaneously strapping and buckling the car seat. Same deal for the stroller, which was lovely while IN the library and attempting to check out books to leave. Next we attempted to get some groceries and lunch at New Seasons. This went as well as could be expected. No explanation needed. Once home I wrestled both of the 2 year olds into their room and into bed. Once there it took them about 20 minutes to settle down and go to sleep. That was 30 minutes ago. One just now started to cry. I am SO ignoring him. 

I really struggle some days with staying calm. Something I read said I am not supposed to blame my feelings or frustrations on the kids, at least to their face. So, I can't say, "Kyan, Mommy is VERY frustrated by the way you're acting. OR Mason, that hurts Mommy's feelings when you do that." Yet I find myself saying these things constantly because I have to tell SOMEONE. If I don't talk to another adult between the hours of 8 am and 5 pm I begin to lose my mind. I am ready for wine by noon on those days and I have to count the minutes until 4 pm (which I deem a somewhat reasonable time to commence drinking). I am supposed to keep my voice even and calm. I am not supposed to yell or scream at them. or say, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?" or "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!??" Some days I do great at this. Other days I basically follow the above script to a tee while feeling like a horrible mother the entire time. So I figure they are only about 50% screwed up, right?

I had no idea what it would be like to have three kids, which is why I wasn't sure if I wanted to have another one after the second one, but the universe apparently had plans for me. I have been so blessed by my children and I wouldn't change a thing. You know those moments where you try to imagine one of them not being there, you know mostly just to ease the burden, and suddenly your chest gets tight and your eyes start to sting and you can't form a coherent thought for fear that thinking it could make it true? yeah. that's how I feel. I've tried to imagine my twin pregnancy as a singleton pregnancy and I've tried to imagine having just Mason or just Ronan as the second child and having the third child be a question mark in my mind, but it's impossible. The only acceptable truth is that there were two to make three. Life would not be possible or bearable without each one of them. They are the Harper boys; my little train of men following along behind me making mischief and noise wherever they go. I think that sometimes the things that are hardest are the things that make life beautiful. This sure ain't easy, but it sure is beautiful.