Dear Kyan,

Yesterday you turned 5. I can’t believe that five years have already passed since you came into my life. A lot has happened in five years, but still it seems like only yesterday!

I thought when you turned 5 things would get so much easier for me because you would suddenly do everything for yourself and behave with great control and politeness. I was wrong, but it’s a good kind of wrong J You are so much like me that it almost scares me. You insist on doing everything for yourself and when you can’t do something that you wanted to do for yourself you get extremely upset. You are a little too smart for your own good and your memory is so amazing that I’ve wondered if it’s photographic. You have a sweetness and a loyalty that you get, at least in part, from your Dad. You love your friends with a fierceness and also with a hint of possessiveness. You are still young enough to love your Mommy and Daddy and to give us lots of hugs and kisses and let us hold you on our laps and love you. I dread the day when you are too old for these things. You and I used to talk about your freckles and how you would get more and more as you get older. You have a smattering across your nose and I love every single one of them!

Yesterday for your birthday we celebrated with a few friends at PDX Playdate, which was your choice. Then we had a lovely dinner in the backyard with just a few other families and with Nana and Papa. You were more spoiled by presents than I expected, but you were so happy that it was worth it! After everyone left, even though it was already past your bedtime, you got to stay up late and watch Star Wars for the first time ever. Now I am no longer the mean Mommy who keeps you from your heart’s desire. It’s nice to give in for once. I think you were pretty happy with your birthday and you felt loved and celebrated.

You have so many years left in your life and it is hard for me to imagine that you will one day be spending them without me there by your side every day. I guess I have to enjoy the 18 years that I know for sure you will be spending with me and appreciate each moment. You want to grow up so fast, just like I did at your age. Today you had to go potty and you walked right past the ladies room and went into the men’s room all by yourself. You were so proud when you came out, even though it wasn’t your first time. You also got three shots today and you were so determined not to cry. I watched your face grimace and you wanted to cry out so much, but you stayed strong and you didn’t cry. I wanted to cry for you, because it was one more sign that my little boy is growing up. You will always be my baby no matter how old you get and how far away from me you may travel. You and your brothers are the best thing I have ever done in my life and I can’t wait to see you grow and change into men. I think every mother mourns the loss of her babies while celebrating the triumph of her children into adults. I celebrate your growth even as I yearn for the little boy stomping around in rain boots and a diaper and dancing to his baby boom box! Happy Birthday, my first born boy! I love you so much!

Love,

Mama