Graceful Mothering

an older picture of our "spectacle" with one additional child

I often wonder what other people see when they stare so unbecomingly at my boys and I as we make our way through the store or the library or wherever our adventure for the day has taken us. The comments that parents of multiples get from strangers are a never ending topic of conversation and the reality is just something you get used to. I usually only engage minimally, though I used to stop and converse with everyone, I've gotten a bit wiser in my 9 months as a parent of twins. Most everyone says the same couple of things in a few different ways: "My, you've got your hands full!" "Do twins run in the family?" (which is code for, "did you use fertility drugs?") and "are they twins?"

Yesterday, however, I was at New Seasons with all three boys and we had lunch so we were there for a LONG time. We had been in the same area for awhile and most of the people at New Seasons know us and talk to us when we're there. As we were leaving the seating area after lunch a woman that works there and thus sees us a lot said, as we walked by, "You handle those boys with such grace."
I said thank you and laughed it off and moved on, but the comment stuck with me all day long. I kept thinking, "that's it, that's how I want to be seen as a parent. I want to parent these boys with grace."

I think that this is something akin to "walking the line", which I talk about all the time. There is no "perfect" way to parent. I find myself judging myself constantly because I hold myself up to standards that are put forth by others or ideals that seem attainable, but really just don't pertain to me or my situation. But, if I can do whatever I choose to do as a parent with grace, then maybe, just maybe, I can truly succeed at being a good parent.

I won't begin to fool myself into thinking that there is a graceful way to handle a 3 year old's temper tantrum (especially while pushing a stroller with one baby and wearing the other in a front carrier), or a graceful way to deal with the plethora of crazy circumstances that are bound to arise when I am chasing two toddlers around while trying to corral an ornery 4 year old, but if I can carry myself with grace through most of my interactions with my boys then I think I will be satisfied.

So now I have to ask myself, "what does that mean?" Really, what does it mean to parent with grace? 

Well, first of all I think it has to do with how one talks to one's children. Because children talk back to us with exactly the same spirit that we talk to them. I've seen this again and again with Kyan. The moment I lose my cool and raise my voice or overreact to something his face changes, his tone changes, and we are locked eye to eye in a dirty little power struggle. All it takes is that split second where I let the calm and even tone, that I work so hard to maintain, slip away. I suppose he figures that if I am letting it go then so can he...so he does.

Come to think of it, I think that the power struggle is central to "non-graceful parenting". So many parents spend so much time in a power struggle with their children. I am not claiming for one second that I am not one of them. It is nearly impossible not to engage in a power struggle with a 2 or 3 year old. It's as simple as this:

Mom: Please pick up the cup you threw on the floor
Child: NO! (foot stomping)
Mom: Pick up the cup, RIGHT NOW!
Child: (escalating to Mom's level) NO! You pick it up!
Mom: I did not throw the cup on the floor so I will not pick it up, you WILL pick up that cup.
Child: NO! You can't make me.

That's it. The child wins the struggle. Why? Because it's true, Mom can't actually make him pick the cup up. Truly. There can be consequences for not picking it up. Mom can try several different tactics to convince the child to pick it up. But, the reality is that Mom doesn't want to do any of those things. All she wants is to force the child to accept that if Mom says to do something then the child WILL do it.

Ben and I used to argue over this topic all the time. I would try to give him tactics to get himself out of the constant power struggling with Kyan and he would get upset and argue that Kyan simply needed to learn to listen when he was told to do something. period. end of story.
Yeah. That would be nice. However, the reality is that Kyan is 3 years old (insert any age from about 1-7 and the answer is the same) and he is developmentally programmed to resist, to test, to push, and to say NO. There's not all that much you can do to change that other than scare your child into submission through abusive tactics.

What you can do, though, is to stop fighting back with the exact same level of stubborn resistance that he is using with you. Seriously! We get just as frustrated when our child tells us NO as they do when we tell them NO. The difference is that we are supposed to be mature enough to handle it and to adjust our reaction to the circumstances, yet instead we immediately escalate our behavior and react by arguing with our child. Do you know how futile it is to argue with a 3 year old. I promise it will be about as effective as attempting to climb a tree while wearing ice skates on your hands.

So, if I am to be a graceful parent I think I have to find graceful ways to redirect myself AND my child when we find ourselves in those moments that both of us dread. So far I do this in a few different ways:
I climb the ladder (the system that I learned about in the book, "Beyond Time Out: From Chaos to Calm").
I choose not to engage with Kyan even if he is calling me "stupid" or "poopy" or lashing out at me physically when I am attempting to discipline or say no. This one is hard, but here's the bottom line. When he does those things he is not doing them because he thinks it is okay to do them, therefore telling him repeatedly that it is NOT okay to hit or NOT okay to say poopy etc., is only feeding his fire. He KNOWS that it's not okay and that is exactly why he is doing it. Punishing him for it will also make no difference. If I punish him then he is getting exactly what he wants from me: A REACTION!

When my voice is even and calm and I am telling him that he will be spending time in his room regrouping because of whatever behavior he has just displayed, the only way he feels like he can control the situation is to bring me to his level; essentially, he is seeking to engage me in a power struggle. How can he do that? By using all of the words and actions that he knows, without a doubt, that I disapprove of. HE'S PUSHING MY BUTTONS!! And, the only way to win in this situation is to walk away. Later when he is calm and I am calm it makes sense to discuss the behavior and to reinforce that it was wrong, but in that moment if I try to do that then I am only giving him what he wants and I am LOSING the struggle. Not to mention the fact that he will process about .0000% of what I am trying to say.

Okay, so I feel like I'm rambling on and on, and you should know that I am as much trying to talk this out for my own purposes as I am trying to share the knowledge...I'm no expert, but these are a few things that I have been thinking of while I adjust to life with all three boys at home all the time. I want to be more prepared for the terrible twos this time around...not just because I will have TWO terrible twos, but because I feel like I have this amazing opportunity to stay home with my boys which allows me the time and resources to get it right...the parenting thing that is.

I'm not the most graceful person when it comes to much, but if I can be graceful as a mother then I think I can stand tall and hold my head up high. God knows that with three boys growing and changing it's going to take every ounce of my stamina and brain power to manage it, but I sure as heck plan to try!