My how they've grown!

My boys are 5 months old today. It astounds me how fast these last five months have flown by; especially in comparison to my ten year long pregnancy! I've been reminiscing a lot about Kyan at this age and about the pregnancy with the twins. Check out what I looked like on the day of the twins' birth with my hair braided in preparation for labor (38 weeks exactly):

The strangest thing about the size of my body was my nose. Seriously. My nose grew to amazing proportions. The nurse in the hospital said that it was just water retention. In my nose? I tried to explain to Ben how, even though I knew I was huge, I didn't feel that different in my face until I looked at the pictures in retrospect. Now I see it looks like someone took a bicycle pump and pumped air into my face!

Five months ago today I met these amazing little boys who have completed our family! The ride was a hard one, but despite the struggle it was all worth it in the end. Of course I knew it would be, but I have to say that I had more than a few instances where I was ready to throw in the towel no matter what the consequences. The human body has amazing capacity, that's all I can say!

Here are my pumpkins just hours after being born. I was so wired and in love that I didn't sleep for about 48 hours. I was also astounded that my belly was still so big :)

When we took the twins home I had such a distinctly different experience than I remembered from bringing Kyan home from the hospital. When we drove home with Kyan I sat in the back seat clutching his hands and stroking his face while I feverishly scanned the passing cars and dared them to come anywhere near my precious little bundle. Now, granted, we had an hour long drive on Hawaiian freeways which could undo a person on a good day, compared to the five minute drive on side roads to get the twins home, but still my anxiety levels were on two different ends of the spectrum. I do remember thinking both times: "I can't believe they just let us walk out of the hospital with this (these) baby(ies). What if we don't know what to do once we get home?" Of course we did know what to do. Thank goodness!

Our next challenge was saving the twins from the infinite love of their big brother (a challenge we still face constantly!).

I think Kyan wants to eat the twins up as much as I do, only in 3 year old land that means climbing on them and trying to engulf them with his hugs and kisses. YIKES! Somehow they have survived this love and are thriving, though. They've gone from our swaddled little beans...:

to our big strong boys:

I am really looking forward to, and terrified by the idea of, the boys crawling and walking and talking. I know things will get a lot more challenging when this all starts, but I can't wait to hear what they have to say and see how they experience life.

We've all come a long way and I feel like the countdown is on...in a mere five years all three of my boys will enter school...in just ten years I will have a teenage boy...in fifteen years I will have an eighteen year old boy...and three years later I may have an empty nest (notice I say "may have", I'm not counting my chickens, yet :)

I just want to enjoy them and love them and be the best Mama that I can be. I never thought that I would have the opportunity to stay home and care for my children without working, so I am going to enjoy these moments while they last! Here's to my boys and all of the joy they bring to my life!

my boys plus Quinn :)

Abundance

So, I haven't been as diligent about this blog as I expected, but I think about it a lot :)
In reference to the last post I would like to report that I have ceased any semblance of sleep training or cry it out. I have even ceased tandem feeding the babies at night. I have reverted to the same techniques I use with Kyan, only times two. Which means that when the babies cry I get them up and bring them to bed with me and feed them (one at a time). When one finishes, if I am still awake, I will return him to his crib. This often means that I have a baby with me in bed more than half the night. The strange thing is that I am actually getting more sleep. I'm not sure how that is and I'm not sure exactly whether or not this method is better, but for now it seems to be. Moving on....
Today I was thinking about Love, Mother Love, to be specific. Every time I pick up one of my boys I kiss, snuggle, and caress him. Every time I get Kyan near I do the same. I have no fear that my boys have any questions about how much they are loved. How on earth could I not love them?
In fact, I love them so much that I often want to eat them. Literally. I have had this conversation with my mother and with many other mothers and it sounds strange every time, yet we all understood and shared this common bond over the simple fact that we actually want to eat our children. They are so delicious and sweet that we want to consume them. It's a really weird thing to say, but a completely logical feeling.
Think about it: we carried these beautiful little beings inside of us for nine long months, then one day they were ripped from out of our body, the cord was severed, and they were on their own. As each month goes by they become more and more independent. It's easy to feel needed by them when they are infants, and I still feel that the twins are attached to me in some tangible way (probably boob to mouth attachment), but then I look at Kyan and I know that it is only a matter of time before the twins will be independent, too.
Don't get me wrong, Kyan needs me, but not like he used to. He now goes into his room in the morning, opens his drawers, chooses his clothing, and dresses himself. That kills me. I love it, but I hate it. It means that he is taking irreversible steps toward being his own independent little human being. One who doesn't need his Mommy anymore.
So, the desire to consume my children is a natural impulse. If I can get them back inside of me then they will always need me...or something like that.
The thing is that I am sure there are mothers with adopted children who also feel the need to consume their children, so I guess the need is really just Love in abundance.
My Mom and I discussed this at length while she was staying with me during my pregnancy with the twins. We wondered if men feel the need to eat their children, too. So, we asked Ben. He didn't really know how to respond, but finally answered that, no, he was pretty sure he had never had the impulse to consume the children. But, not too long after that we were talking about something cute Kyan did as we were going to bed and he told me he might actually have felt the impulse to eat Kyan. I laughed and concluded that this impulse is indeed just overwhelming Love.
I am lucky. Ben is lucky. Our children are lucky....to have such an abundance of love...

To Cry or Not To Cry

I originally began this blog as a place to think, vent, and laugh about the craziness that is my life. The problem has been that I am an English teacher with two degrees who is dying for some intellectual stimulation, so I have treated each blog post like a mini assignment. I keep putting the writing off because I don't have time to do it as well as I would like, meanwhile there are blog posts running around in my head all the time and I feel like I'm talking to myself. So, I am going to release my need to publish perfect article style posts and just write.

I am exhausted. The kind of tired that sits behind your eyes and keeps you from pretending that you got enough sleep last night. The babies have been fairly difficult at night, which is in stark contrast to their sweet and calm demeanor during the day. I have been reading book after book and mothering chat after chat trying to figure out what I can do to fix it. Nothing feels quite right.

Last night I let them cry. I don't believe in "cry it out", but I was reaching a level of exhaustion and frustration that I had never felt before. In the nights previous I would get up, calm one, go back to bed, and the other one would cry. Then I would get up, calm that one, go back to bed, and the first one would be up again. I began to think that I was a part of the problem.

It's true, I do pretty much respond to their first cry. I did with Kyan, too. They are just so new and I want them to know that they are safe. The problem is that I think I have created babies that actually KNOW that if they make a peep, Mommy will come running. So, I tried it out. The cry it out thing. I hated it. I couldn't stay in bed while I did it so I sat out in the dining room with my "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Twins" book and a cup of tea and tried to read to distract myself, and to convince myself that I was doing the right thing.

Mason doesn't so much cry as he fusses, so that's not really a big deal. I can handle long periods of that. The problem is Ronan. He screams, and I mean SCREAMS. His cry is a mirror shattering, breathtaking shriek. It sounds like he is in pain. The real problem is that if I go in to his room and try to soothe him, without picking him up, it gets much worse. So, I either had to be all in or all out.

The desire to go in and hold him was excruciating, and eventually I was crying, too. Now, I know at this point many of you are thinking, "so just go in and hold him!" Trust me, I agree. The thing is that the desire to sleep for more than two consecutive hours a night is also overwhelming me. So is the fact that I keep experiencing bouts of depression that I feel are certainly brought on by exhaustion. I am beginning to feel that something must be done so that we can ALL stay healthy and happy. (By the way, where is the "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Mommy" book? Maybe I can write it when this is all over!)

So eventually we were a few minutes past the time limit that I had set for this excruciating experiment, but Ronan was periodically lapsing into silence punctuated now and then by high pitched shrieks, so I felt that the end was near. (In case you're wondering it had been about 25 minutes since they had begun to cry and I had gone in once to check on them which had made Ronan's crying increase by about 10 fold.) Just as Ronan began to give in, Mason, who had been quiet since I had gone in and given them their pacifiers about half way through the 25 minutes, started to fuss. Seriously? This is the reality of twindom. Just when you start to breathe a sigh of relief that you have finally cleaned up the huge blow out, or gotten the baby to sleep, etc., you look over and there's another one waiting for you to repeat your work.

So, Ronan's short shrieks increase a bit, you know, to harmonize with his brother's fussing, but eventually cease. At which point Mason decides that it is entirely too quiet and increases his lamentations. I sigh. I know that, unlike Ronan, if I go in and give Mason his pacifier he will fall back to sleep quickly, BUT he will probably wake up within the hour and want the same treatment. And, I can't very well let Ronan cry for 25-30 minutes and not test it with Mason, too. So, I wait. His fussing only lasts about 10 minutes. Finally, I go to bed. It is about 11:15. Ben has already gotten up to tell me that I have "Momsomnia", a condition we read about in "The Edge", a portion of the Oregonian, described as "when a sleep-deprived mom can't sleep despite the fact that her children are sleeping, because of either worries that said children will awaken at any moment, a desperate need for time to herself or a sudden desire to complete random household tasks."

It is true. I have experienced all three. This time, however, before the twins actually woke up (at about 10 pm) I had been lying there for about an hour unable to sleep because I had argued with Ben about whether or not to let them cry it out and who should be getting up with them each time, and because I was just waiting for them to wake up. It only made sense that they woke up at 10. The night before it was 11, and the night before it was 12, so they are waking up an hour earlier each night. Fabulous. They do not need to eat at this time. As newborns they were sleeping from 8 until about 2 or 3 each night by the age of 5 weeks. I am willing to accept that they are having a growth spurt, but I am not willing to feed them every 2-3 hours at night, because I truly do not think they need it, they just want it.

So, I would love to report that my first "cry it out" experience resulted in a blissful full night of sleep, which most of the books promise will follow the "cry it out" session, but alas, I cannot. They woke up at 2 am. While this time would have been an acceptable eating time, it meant that I got just over 2 consecutive hours of sleep before feeding them. So I fed them. They went back to sleep with no problems (after Ben changed Ronan's blow out and I changed Mason's virtually dry diaper). At 4:30 am (less than 2 consecutive hours later) Mason woke up and wanted his pacifier. I gave it to him and was drifting back into sleep when his fusses started again. My biggest fear was that he would wake Ronan, whose ear piercing shrieks would wake Kyan, who has taken to rising between 5 and 5:30 am lately. So, I ran to Mason, gathered his swaddled little body up and took him into my room to sleep in the co-sleeper. He continued to fuss a bit, whereupon I reinserted his pacifier, he would calm, then fuss, reinsert pacifier, calm, fuss, pacifier...you get the picture. This went on until I decided to feed him at 5:30. He ate and slept peacefully next to me while I finally drifted off again...almost. Then Kyan yelled out, "MAMA!", and Ronan began to fuss in his crib. Sigh.

Ben retrieved Ronan, I put Mason back in the co-sleeper and fed Ronan lying down in bed with my back to Mason. I had to repeatedly stretch my arm over my back to reinsert Mason's pacifier while I was still feeding Ronan. Now usually this would all take place with Kyan squirming and talking on Ben's side of the bed while we both shushed him so that Mason would stay asleep and Ronan would not be too distracted to eat. The one shining grace on this morning was our new "sleep trainer" clock. I purchased it to attempt to keep Kyan in his bed until a respectable hour. This was our first morning with said clock. Kyan initially yelled out for me because he didn't understand why it wasn't glowing green, which is his signal that he can get up out of bed. Ben explained the process to him and he proceeded to actually stay in his bed waiting for the green glow. He made it a half an hour, amazingly, and got up 2 minutes before the light would have come on. We called it success anyway.

So now I sit here while the babies take their first nap, sipping on my tiny cup of coffee, which has done nothing at all to ease the tired pulse behind my eyes, and wonder what my experiment has yielded. From what I can tell it has only given me a feeling of guilt and tired eyes. I couldn't stop kissing Ronan this morning, who smiled and laughed at me despite his bout of shrieking last night. If I follow the book I have to let them cry again tonight. It should be a shorter session tonight, even shorter tomorrow, until they don't cry at all. I'm not sure if I trust this, but I am sure that I am desperate.
It sure is hard to walk this parenting line...especially when it is blurred by exhausted eyes...
Oh well, at least they're irresistibly adorable!

Where Has the Time Gone?

So, I must admit that the initial excitement about blogging seems to have been buried somewhere underneath the piles of dirty cloth diapers and the never ending sound of the dryer...not to mention the plethora of play dates I have been not only attending, but hosting!

4 sets of twins and 3 siblings!

I am loving the life of a stay at home Mom, and so far I'm not really missing work. It feels so good to keep control of my house and to be there for my children. I am so thankful that I have this opportunity and I plan on making the most of it!
The problem seems to be that I am lamenting the years with Kyan where I was at work. I am watching him grow into this amazing little man and realizing that I let go of many of my early edicts with him, mostly because it was such a challenge just to survive being a working mom, that I had no more energy to fight the world in his defense.
I am mostly referring to the same issues that I talked about in the last blog: consumerism, media, etc.. The superhero craze is so rampant at our house that I feel like I am going to go insane! I remember the early days of his life, and even my pregnancy with him, when I was so sure that I would be able to single handedly fight off the ills of the world that would dare to infect the innocence of my little boy. Since then I feel like it has been a slow downward spiral into the realities of our media driven society, and I have no idea how to stop it!
This is mostly coming from the fact that we visited with a neighbor yesterday, one whom we met a long time ago but have never spent time with. She has a son the same age as Kyan, so it is a bit sad that we've never connected before now. Her house was an immaculately remodeled version of ours (all the houses in this neighborhood have a similar 50's style with various add ons and additions), and her parenting style seemed to be an exact replica of what I imagined mine would be.
Her son only had wooden toys and little to no media inspired gadgets. I tried to digest it all without getting upset, but by the time we got home I felt frustrated with Kyan (in his new Spiderman shirt from Grandma) who was telling me that he was a superhero and I was poopy therefore he did not need to eat his dinner. I found myself sinking deeper into this funk. I looked around my own house, which earlier that day I had felt great pride in when I had it all clean and ready for our big twin play date, and felt inadequate.
I kept asking myself where I had gone wrong. Where did that vision I had of Kyan's minimalist upbringing get lost? The best answer I could come up with was that it had been lost somewhere in the insane rat race of working motherhood. Somehow my survival mode parenting style during the first 3 years of Kyan's life did not quite meet my own expectations.
Now, I want to stop here and say that I know that I am a good mother. I know that I have done well with Kyan in MANY ways, and I am not looking for reassurance in that area. I do know. I swear. I also know that I have held on to many of my compunctions and I have carried them into the parenting of Mason and Ronan already. Together Ben and I have done a darn good job with Kyan. Really we have. And, I know we will do a good job with the twins. Now if only I could somehow rid my life of super heroes, Buzz Lightyear, and Transformers, I would feel a lot better.
So, then there's the issue of the twins. They are growing so darn fast! I was sure they weren't big enough for the Bumbo chairs until yesterday when I plopped them in, because they were out for our twin play date, and low and behold they were both fine!

This was a startling reminder of how fast they are growing! Mason has already rolled over for goodness' sake!

 

So, the question is, how am I going to parent these growing boys alongside my big boy, now that I am home with them all the time and have the time to accomplish more of my original goals? The reality is that I can't just eliminate the media from Kyan's life because it is already part of his consciousness. I have GREATLY limited his television time in the last few weeks, and I am very happy with that, but the superhero craze was never associated with television, it was learned from other kids at daycare and school. 

This is the dawning reality: the world that he lives in is going to affect him no matter how hard I fight it! Which, I think, is why I let go of so much over the past 3 years. I used to fight the grandparents over battery operated toys. My dad will remember the first argument over a big light up lie under baby toy for Kyan. I was thankful for his gift, but frustrated with the lights and sounds that I didn't really want to expose Kyan to yet. I wanted simpler things for him, but I felt so badly about dissing my dad's gift that I gave in. And, that was just the first of many. In fact, now that the twins are playing more I've thought about that toy, which is up in our storage, and wondered if I should get it out for them, but I haven't. 

If you happen to be waiting for the part of this post where I have an AHA! moment and answer all of my own questions, you'll be waiting a long time. I think the answers to these questions are going to come over time. I think I am going to have to try to redevelop my image of myself as a parent. I have the time now; in fact, it is my job. I always give my all to a challenge, so I know I will figure this out. I have to tell myself that 3 years old isn't so old that change can't occur, but at the same time I can't deny Kyan those things that interest him at this stage in the game just to meet my parenting ideal. Somehow, I will figure out how exactly to walk this line. I just hope I can maintain my balance while juggling three little boys and all of their charms!

Walking the Line

I have had several blog posts floating around in my head for the past few days, but have had a hard time finding the time to sit and write. As it is I am counting down the minutes until I have to go and pick Kyan up from school and wondering if there is shower time somewhere in there.

I have been thinking a lot about simplicity and our society's tendency to be anything but simple.
This past weekend we went to a wonderful little birthday party for a sweet little 2 year old and an adorable 4 year old. It reminded me a lot of the type of parties that I have thrown so far for Kyan. The Mama did a wonderful job, baking 75 cupcakes, decorating with two themes, preparing a bbq for many adults, and staying calm and serene during the entire party. The kids seemed to have a fabulous time. I know Kyan loved the party, but I have to say the rest of that day, before and after the party, was a bit of a nightmare.

The entire day was spent in anticipation of the party: we talked about it from the time Kyan woke up, we had a lazy morning getting everyone together, and we finally left the house for haircut and shopping. This is where things went downhill. Kyan's behavior at home that morning was marginal at best, but we chalked it up to excitement about the party.

Once we had the hair cut taken care of we headed to Fred Meyer for birthday present shopping. I had a naive sense that this would be a great lesson in giving: Kyan would graciously search for a present to give to one of his closest buddies, we would wrap it together, and he would present it to his buddy with a huge smile. Well...not quite.

First of all, I think that children should be banned from shopping with their parents. I love to shop and I am fairly certain that I perpetuate the consumerist nightmare that I want to protect my children from, but something has got to give!

Stores are virtually booby trapped to induce 3 year old temper tantrums. SERIOUSLY! From the Halloween stuff that is gracing the shelves a good 2 months early to the candy in the check out lines, and don't even get me started on the toy section.
I will say that I suggested we go to Powell's bookstore to look for something less plasticy and commercialized, but Ben and Kyan outvoted me. Next time I may overthrow the democracy.

We did end up with two nice gifts that I picked out because Kyan was only interested in the most destructive of the transformers, the most hyped up of the superheros, and the loudest of the roaring dinosaurs, and he had totally forgotten that the gift wasn't for him. (I know, Dad, boys will be boys, but come on!)

On the way to checkout we had a fit over leaving all of the destructive plastic nightmares behind and I, in my infinite wisdom, distracted him by showing him the Halloween costumes. STRIKE ONE for Mama.

Once he saw the manifestation of his Halloween dreams right in front of him (he's been perusing Halloween costume catalogs with a ferocity that is alarming and a commitment that is somewhat admirable) there was no leaving that store without a Batman costume in tow.

I figured I had been planning on ordering him one anyway, so why not, right?
As a side note, I would be choosing another cuddly animal for Kyan this year if the choice was still mine (year one: ladybug, year two: river otter, year three: giraffe), but I am coming to terms with the fact that I cannot control all of Kyan's choices anymore. I figure he deserves to have his own experience and preferences, right?

The problem is, I thought that I could give him a foundation that would lead him to better choices, but I've realized that I am up against the entire conglomerate of media fixated three year olds and their seizure inducing, cartoon pushing adult counterparts.
I think I might be rambling, but like I said this has been rolling around in my head for days.
So, what's a Mama to do?
I want to walk the line.

Sure there is a part of me who wants desperately to be the militant natural earth mother who does not even allow my child to play with dolls that have faces (insert my respect for Waldorf education here, despite my perplexity at the oddness of dolls without faces), and, to be honest, I think that I half planned/expected myself to be that mother. However, what I have come to realize in my short time as a Mama is that my son has a right to experience and enjoy the world he lives in. The unfortunate part of that is that I don't really like a lot of that world, but I live in it, too.

The media is everywhere; I cannot avoid that, and I am roped in by it, as well.
I want my son to be "above" the consumer mentality, yet I was so excited by Old Navy's new owl print baby line that I could barely contain myself.
I've realized that I don't live my life entirely on one side of the line or the other, so why should I expect my children to do so?
So, to make a long story short, I bought the Batman costume.

Immediately upon leaving the store the temper tantrum ensued. He needed to put the costume on RIGHT NOW! Hold it just a minute buster, this $23 piece of felt is supposed to be your costume for Halloween, which is a good 6 weeks away, and I am quite sure that it will barely survive the trick or treating activity, let alone 6 weeks of superhero play!

Commence temper tantrum, add heat and sun, note that it is already 45 minutes past nap time...You get the picture.

So, despite atrocious behavior during the entire ride home, we give in and put the costume on him before his nap. Why? you might ask. God only knows. I just think the screaming was getting to us and addling our minds.

After squeezing him into the size 2-4 costume (should be age based, right?), packing him off to bed, and breathing a sigh of relief (before beginning the twins' diaper changing and mass feeding sessions), we take a look at the packaging from the costume and discover that it is meant for a 1-2 year old. Okay, then.
So, I just spent $23 on the cheapest piece of felt with stuck on velcro circles I have ever seen, and now I have to pry it off of my child's sweaty body and attempt to explain why we are taking it back to the store. I see more tantrums in our future.

Suffice to say, the costume is sitting on the counter waiting to be returned, Kyan has continued his relentless pursuit of the perfect superhero costume by paging through his "superhero books" (costume catalogs), and I am already dreading attempting to "walk the line" through the growth of three boys in a media saturated, gender pushing, consumer driven society. I suppose I'll have to let you know how it turns out.

One Half Adventure Seeker, One Half Fuddy Duddy

When I told my husband the title for this post he said, with a cute grin, "only one half fuddy duddy?"
So, maybe the balance isn't quite so even, but I estimate that half of my desire is the adventure seeker though it is sometimes drowned out by the annoying fuddy duddy screaming in my head.
I have always loved adventure, but I am the type that takes a bit of convincing before I can get to the adventure part. It was easier to overcome this when I was a single gal living the high life, but with the addition of three children to my life I must admit the fuddy duddy takes over sometimes.
When I think of the amount of work it will take to pack up all three children, plan for their feedings, possible disasters, nap times, and determine what gear will be needed to make it all possible, I have to admit it is hard to convince me that it will all be worth it. It's just so much easier to stay home!
I have recently been taking stock of the fuddy duddy, however, and checking in to see how relevant her complaints really are. I mean the bottom line here folks is that I have three boys! THREE! I can't be staying home with them forever or my house will be destroyed! Granted two of them are fairly stationary at the moment, but not for long.
So, I am attempting to let my inner adventure seeker drown out my inner fuddy duddy. Yesterday, I went so far as to agree to a trip to the coast that included a day at the beach. What's the big deal, you may be asking yourself...well, I'll tell you!
EVERYTHING!!
When I was pregnant with Kyan and living in Hawaii I would go to the beach with Ben and sit on a blanket or in a chair while he surfed. I would be lonely, but mostly enjoyed reading and talking to friends and family on the phone while lounging in the sun. I remember thinking to myself how much fun it would be when I had the baby and could cart him to the beach with me and frolic all day long while he giggled and cooed with the waves lapping in the background.

9 months pregnant with Kyan

 Enter baby.
His first trip to the beach was at 6 days old. The beach was only steps from our house. I shook the entire time and eventually ended up walking back to the house wracked in sobs. Now, this was an exceptional experience that included a whole mess of anxiety producing hormones and a very mean neighbor who yelled at me for allowing my new baby to be exposed to the elements, but you get the picture.

Kyan, 6 days old at the beach!

Subsequent trips were much better, however they were SO much work. The real issue in Hawaii was the sun, and a close second was sand.
How does one protect a tiny baby from the sunshine before sunblock is permitted? Shade, right? yeah, well if you can find me some shady spots on Hawaiian beaches I will give you a medal. So get an umbrella, right? Of course we did. Can I even tell you how often that thing blew away? I'll skip it for now.

Kyan, about 2 months old

And, sand...well, let's just say that the boy ate his fair share and cried a bucket of tears over sand in the eyes. I could never figure out why I thought it would be so idyllic to hang with my baby at the beach.

just moments before the hand touches the face!

I can't say it was all bad. Kyan spent a lot of time at the beach and we did have a lot of fun...once I quieted the fuddy duddy that is!

The best trip we ever had (note sarcasm) was the one where Mama was finally relaxing into the flow of Hawaiian beach life with baby (namely because Daddy had finally agreed to carry all of the gear and let me just carry the baby). I even decided to go swimming and leave Daddy with Kyan on the beach. I had a fabulous swim and was coming in on the power of a small wave...I was feeling pretty good. As the wave swept me onto the sand I moved to stand up, imagining the triumphant shaking of my wet hair and confident grin which would prove my successful beach Mama status, I felt a searing pain in my foot. I fell over and then limped/dragged myself out of the water. I stood up again and couldn't take a step. I looked down at my foot only to see my little toe sticking out horizontally from the side of my foot. I quite promptly screamed. Ben ran down the hill of sand, leaving Kyan up top, and helped me up. I cried and shook and cried and shook, and tried to hold on to Kyan who was crying, too.
Finally, Ben had to pack up the gear in bags, put Kyan in the Baby Bjorn, and carry me on his back. How he managed to get us all back to the car I will never know (and in one trip!).
Suffice to say that when I think of trips to the beach I have some justification in imagining the disasters that could occur.
So, yesterday when Ben took the day off and decided that we would go to the beach I smiled with only a bit of trepidation. I had a friend, who has four kids of her own, who was planning on going with us, so I thought we could do it together. It turns out that she couldn't make it, so I pasted on my grin and agreed to go it alone!
The addition of one small bit of gear changed the whole experience for me! THE TENT!
Now, it's not that I hadn't thought of this before...I looked everywhere for beach tents when we lived in Hawaii, and had a really hard time finding one. Plus, Ben thought it was a silly purchase.
But, on this fine September day in Oregon he finally agreed to set up our camping tent on the beach for me.
As we pulled out of the driveway all packed up he said to me, "I can't believe this is happening."
This is when I realized how much he must see the fuddy duddy in me...

The trip went fabulously! There were a few moments here and there: Kyan climbed up the rock cliff on the beach with my supervision (while Ben was surfing). I was fine with it and watched him very carefully from the bottom. It wasn't steep, really, and he was very careful.

I was having a hard time convincing him to come back down, and was planning my own ascent up to get him when I saw Ben running from the water with his surf board.

Apparently he and his friends saw the whole thing from the water and were afraid that I was freaking out on shore. I truly wasn't. I was fine with just watching him sit up there while I supervised, but Ben climbed up and got him down. Ben was in utter shock when I told him that I wasn't upset about it at all. Of course his biggest regret then was that he cut his surf session short.

The day at the beach was beautiful, though, and I  felt totally anxiety free. The babies were happy and content (and mostly sand free), and Kyan had a great time!

the beach in Goonies

The only other snafu was on the way back to the car. We each had a baby in a carrier and Ben had all the gear on his back. We were holding Kyan's hand, but he broke off and ran ahead to a spot where he and Ben had been watching the water earlier. He climbed up a little fence and then promptly went over to the other side. When I realized what he was doing I looked to Ben first, and he was utterly calm, so I took off running. When I got to Kyan another man had started to climb over the fence to grab Kyan. There wasn't an immediate drop off, but enough of a slope that if he fell he would likely roll to where there was a huge drop off, and go over the edge. I grabbed his arm before he let go of the fence and pulled him back over, but my heart was pounding and I felt like I was going to throw up.
The whole time Ben was utterly calm. He did not think it was all that dangerous. I found the whole thing very interesting when compared to Kyan's earlier rock climbing session that had brought Ben running from the surf. Needless to say we had a bit of a disagreement about the situation and Kyan proceeded to blame the man who was trying to help him for the entire situation.
Once we got past that little incident, however, we were back to the happy, adventurous family.
What I learned yesterday is that it is likely that we will never have an event free adventure. With three boys in tow, I can imagine we will have many crazy moments, a TON of gear, and more than a few laughs. What matters most though is the pursuit of our adventures and the experiences we have together. So, I vow to silence the fuddy duddy and take the plunge, no matter how much work it may take to get there! (at least most of the time :) )

Cloth Diapering: YES YOU CAN!!

When I began, during my first pregnancy, to consider the supplies I would need when my new baby arrived I was plagued by a feeling of guilt and trepidation when contemplating diapering my child. "The Real Diaper Association, an advocacy group founded in 2004, estimates that 27.4 billion disposable diapers are used each year in the U.S. (according to the EPA, that translates into more than 3.4 million tons of waste dumped into landfills) and that producing those diapers also consumes huge amounts of petroleum, chlorine, wood pulp and water." [1]
With these statistics in mind I wanted to consider how I could decrease my son's still growing carbon footprint. I began to research cloth diapers, chlorine-free diapers, and other earth-friendly options. What I came up with was that, not only could I save my family a lot of money, reduce our personal waste, thus benefiting the planet, I could also improve the health and well-being of my child. Conventional diapers contain chlorine and other harmful chemicals that can cause allergies and often contribute to diaper rash and discomfort. I can tell you first hand that the few times I have put my sons in conventional diapers I have been deeply disturbed by the redness and rashes that resulted.
For more in depth information on the problems with disposable diapers check out this article by Peggy O'Mara, one of the editors of Mothering magazine: http://mothering.com/green-living/a-tale-of-two-diapers

When I found out that my second pregnancy was a twin pregnancy there was no question that I would be using cloth diapers. I mean, yes it is more work, but we are talking disposable diapers for TWO! The cost of that alone is staggering!
Cloth diapering has come a long way since the days of our parents, and no longer requires the use of safety pins and thin strips of cloth that must be fashioned into a reasonable semblance of a diaper. What I found is that there are cloth diapers that are just as easy to put on and take off as a disposable diaper, maybe requiring some extra work to clean, but certainly doable. After researching the various options I chose to go the middle ground. Some cloth diapers are cheaper than others, but may not work as well or last as long. The reality of the matter is that these diapers are going to get plenty of use, so you need something that can stand up to the task at hand. Being that my family was about to embark on living on a single income, we didn't have a lot to spend. So we chose a brand of diapers called "Happy Heiny's", because the price was reasonable, about $18-19 which includes the liner in a small and a large size for the one size diapers, and because they were extremely user friendly.

Happy Heiny's cloth diapers fall in the category of pocket diapers, meaning that the inserts which absorb liquid go inside an outer cover and are removed for washing. The entire diaper, cover and inserts, is washed at the same time, though separated into pieces. The second, smaller insert that you see above is an extra hemp "soaker" that helps stop leaking.

The above diaper is also a "one size fits all" diaper. It is supposed to fit all the way up to the child is potty trained. I did not have the one size diapers with my first son, so I can't attest to it, but it gets pretty darn big. They were actually too big at first, so we used Chinese Prefolds instead.

Now these are very affordable and, though they are not nearly as cushy and plush, they work very well. I actually thought that these were only one step up from the pin and cloth diaper, but they are much better than that.  We use these as our "back up" diapers so we don't run out.

 

As you can see, you fold the prefold under on both sides (called a prefold because the fold is already there for you), and place it on top of the outer liner. You usually need to fold the front under, which keeps boy babies from leaking out, and makes the diaper fit better. The outer liner (red) does not necessarily have to be washed every time. It is lined with a waterproof coating that you can just wipe down if it is a bit wet, but you should wash it if it gets a little poop on it, which can happen.

 

 There are also diapers called "all in ones" that have the inserts built into the diaper and are washed all as one piece. I personally don't like these at much so I don't have any of those. You can google them to get tons of results and see if they are the ones for you. 

Now, we also decided with Kyan and again with the twins to do cloth wipes. This may sound crazy, but once you start doing it you will realize it is so easy! There are several options here. We ordered hemp "washcloth" wipes the first time we did this, and they worked fine. This time, however, I got some terry fleece wipes that I LOVE! 

I have them stacked in the drawer of the changing table and when I need one I pull it out and wet it down with my wipes solution, which is in a bottle next to the changing table. 

The wipes solution is simply water with a bit of a wipes solution concentrate that I purchased. The one I originally found I can't find again, but I recently bought some little discs that dissolve in there and smell quite nice. Just check out diapering sites and search for "wipes solution". I use much less of the concentrate than suggested just to make it last. 

The other alternative here, which I have seen done, is to prewet your wipes with the solution, roll them up and put them in a wipes warmer. Sounds nice, but a lot of work, and when I did that with the hemp wipes they eventually smelled really bad. I haven't tried it with these new ones. 

Now, on to what to do with the diaper when it is dirty. Here is the system I have set up:

 

Basically, the diaper champ is the dry bin, and the other is a wet bin. You can get these at a diapering store, too. The wet bin has a removable 10 gallon bucket in them that can be filled with water and I also add a few squirts of "Biokleen", an environmentally friendly product that reduces smells. In the dry bin I put wipes or diapers that don't have any poop on them. I put ALL inserts in the wet bin, because they are the thing that tends to get stinky eventually. The diaper champ works for cloth diapers, as I was told when it was given to me, but I wouldn't say it works fabulously. You could certainly use something else for a dry bin. 

I lug the big heavy bucket to the utility room, dump the water in the utility sink, and put the rest in the wash. I should mention that once the poops get more solid, you will need to put the waste into the toilet before putting the diaper in the bin. There is a great product that attaches to your toilet and has a sprayer on it to rinse them right into the toilet. I may get that eventually, but never had it with Kyan and I did fine! 

In the washing machine I rinse the whole load once in cold water on a "light" wash, then again in HOT water with detergent on a "heavy" wash. Then it all goes in the dryer. There are a few different cloth diaper friendly detergents to choose from. You cannot use regular detergents with cloth diapers because they will break down the waterproofing and the fibers. I use "Country Save" because it is less expensive, and I can order it through Amazon.com's subscribe and save program for an extra 15% off and free shipping. GREAT DEAL!!

I did have to recently "strip" my liners because the older ones, from the days of Kyan, were kind of stinky. To do this you use a bit of vinegar or bleach (bleach is a HUGE no no with cloth diapers, EXCEPT for the terrycloth liners, which should occasionally be bleached), and wash them in HOT water at least 5-7 times! You only use the bleach the first time, and the other cycles you just use the hot water. 

Now, the next point of difficulty is leaving home. With Kyan, I must admit, I did not use the cloth diapers outside of the home. I figured I would be easy on myself and buy chlorine free diapers to use for outings. If you choose to do this I would suggest the Seventh Generation chlorine free diapers, and again, I order those through Amazon's subscribe and save and get a great deal! 

 

With the twins, however, I decided to go all out and cloth diaper almost exclusively. So, I purchased a wet bag (also at diapering stores) that goes in my diaper bag. When I take off a cloth diaper, I stick it in there and deal with it at home. It's much easier than I realized! We still use disposables if we go out of town, since it is harder to do the laundry etc. wherever we may be. 

 

All in all, I have to say that it is not a huge inconvenience to do cloth diapering, but it is a HUGE benefit for our income, our environment, and our babies. There is a rather large starting cost to get yourself all set up, but it is only a fraction of what you will eventually spend over 2-3 years of disposable diapering (especially with twins!). I cut our initial costs by registering only for cloth diapers for my second baby shower, and I also had a lot of friends hand down stuff to me, like the prefolds and the diaper bins. You can sometimes find cloth diapering supplies at consignment stores, and I know in Portland several of the diaper stores have consignment, too.

So, if you decide to go for it, GOOD LUCK! Feel free to e-mail me if you have any questions!

[1]Time- Diapers Go Green Thursday, Jan. 10, 2008 By Pamela Paul